Thanks for the date, here's $40 – keep the change…
Even today, many participants in the dating scene have divergent views on who should pay for the date. Personally, I like to pay for myself. But, this can be misconstrued as lack of interest. So, I usually explain to my date that it's just how I roll. If you need guidance in this area, check out: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23244363/page/2/ or just GOOGLE it.
Story time! Last year, I tried speed dating. It was a success: at the end of the night, I had 2 mutual matches and both men contacted me right away. Date with Match #1 was very blah, so there was no second date. Match #2, on the other hand, proved very “impressive.” First off, this was the only time I was ever late for a date: Overconfidence resulted in poor time management, so when I arrived 5 minutes late, my match was already waiting.
Problem # 1: this guy really looks a lot like someone I work with; someone I don’t particularly like.
As it’s no fault of his own, the date went on! But, even after first 30-45 mins I was not feeling ANY mutual chemistry with this guy: he’s keept his distance, he diddn't ask many questions, and his body language was all but mute. BUT, everything suddenly changed as he unexpectedly scooched over and took my hand. I was really surprised; I had all but written off this date.
As the end of date in nearing, I dashed off to the bathroom to freshen up. When I got back, the checks had arrived – that’s right, plural: checks.
Problem # 2: who asks for separate checks when your date is in the bathroom? (a cop-out, perhaps?)
But, whatever; as I said, I like to pay my own way. I reached for my wallet and….
Problem # 3: the wallet is not in my bag
It was then, to my great horror, I distinctly remembered that – in my rush to get out of the house – I had left the wallet on the kitchen table. I was MORTIFIED. I first turned white, with horror; then red, with embarrassment. Alas, because there was only one way out of this situation – he paid. Talk about feeling that you ‘owe’ someone. And even though he laughed it off, I still felt awful, especially since I wasn’t planning on seeing him again. As we started our journey back to my car, he took my hand and proceeded to kiss me. I was still feeling uneasy about the sudden change in his attitude, but shrugged it off as we made tentative plans to go to brunch that Sunday. My chance at redemption!
However, after much thought and deliberation in the days that followed, I realized that I really didn't want to go out with this dude again, given all the problems listed above, and my fall from grace (the wallet thing.) Still, I was feeling really bad and since I am an honest, and straight-shooting person - who doesn’t avoid issues by ignoring e-mails, or making up stupid excuses - I e-mailed him with the following:
Dear guy, after much thought, I decided that another date isn't a great idea. Though the conversation had been enjoyable, I didn’t feel a spark; but, because I feel like an idiot for forgetting my wallet, I would really like to repay you.
His reply:
Sure, call me tonight to see if I’m around and we will arrange a meeting time/place.
So, help me out here, folks:
- Was I a jerk for not sucking it up and going on a 2nd date with this guy and paying?
- Was I a jerk for contacting him to tell him I don’t want to go on a 2nd date with him? Should I have made myself mysteriously “unavailable”?
- Was he a jerk for accepting my offer for repayment?
In any case, I drove by his place later that week and gave him $40 bucks to cover my $30 meal; I declined his offer for change.
July 30th, 2009 - 04:10
Love the title, very fitting.
July 30th, 2009 - 06:57
“Well, the first time I hit my hand with a hammer, it wasn’t so bad…should I do it a second time?”
Ok, maybe your experiance wasn’t that bad, but you get the idea. Perhaps I should attack your questions numerically?
1. A jerk? No. If all you’re worried about is the money, then post him a cheque. I actually think you did a really brave thing by going back to pay him back.
2. I hate mysteriously “unavailable”, hate it like eyeball syphilis. You should be given a dating medal for contacting him, think of the time when a guy has stood you up, or shown up late, without contacting you. Two thumbs up!
3. This is a matter of perception. For me I would insist on paying for a date’s meal, going to devious lengths to ensure that she didn’t pay. However, should she call me, tell me that she didn’t want to see me again, then offer to pay for her side of the date we already had?
Only the gallant few would reject it, it’s like a refund on a date gone wrong!
I’ve been exposed to some horrible women in the past, and what you’ve described is quite sensible I think, and you gave him a tip!
Once I “dated” a girl that I was smitten with, only to find out later that she was ready to dump me. During her time when she was biding her “dumping” time, I was unemployed and had little money. I took her out for an expensive meal and wine, all while I struggled to pay for food and bills at home, and she took it happily.
She dumped me the next weekend.
I believe that is poor dating etiquette, you have excellent date-fu and should be praised for your efforts.
To defend your date though, with the information at hand, he did sound a little scared. Stand-offish at first, then diving in for the kill, it’s like jumping into a pool when you know the water’s cold. Once you’re in, it’s fine…it’s just taking that leap.
And if you ARE as hot as you say, it simply intimidates the boys further…
July 30th, 2009 - 12:57
I don’t think either of you are jerks. If anything, I think he’s a bit inept by holding your hand and trying to kiss you on that first date after you felt as though you had no spark with him. Being aware of the situation and how the other person is feeling is one of the most, if not the most important skills as a dater.
Personally, if he had laughed and shrugged it off, that would have been enough for me, but kudos to you for paying him back. Also, kudos to you for being straight up with him and telling him how you really felt, instead of going out for a second mediocre date.
July 30th, 2009 - 15:11
1 & 2) I think you absolutely did the right thing by contacting him to let him know you were no longer interested and offering to pay for your half. I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to do it – good for you!
3) In general, yes, this sounds like a bit of a jerk-type thing to do, but it’s hard unless you know his situation. Maybe he really couldn’t afford to pay for your meal.
August 5th, 2009 - 19:28
I’m all for splitting the bill and always offered to do so — but unless he’s hard pressed for cash I would have hoped he’d do the “classy” thing and just eat the sunk cost. So jerk? Maybe not. But classy? DEFINITELY not.
And unless something went horribly wrong on a first date, I always gave guys two before declining. But that’s just me. Plus I always figured they wouldn’t try and kiss me before date three anywho