L is for Ludicrous
(Not to be confused with Ludacris, the rapper.) Seriously, ludicrous is just the word to describe the date I had last Sunday; it left me laughing from its absurdity. Let’s rewind and reflect:
Earlier last week, I was online, browsing guys’ profiles on PoF. I actually messaged a few of them, and SUCCESS: I had a few replies. So on Sunday night, I arranged to meet with Buddy at 7 pm at a local pub. On my computer screen, he looked great: good-looking, successful, well traveled, speaks 4 languages, etc. Sadly, I wasn’t wearing my reading glasses when I read his profile. So, what was wrong with him? What wasn’t!?
- He lied on his online profile (age and photo)
- Was 25 minutes late
- When he (finally) showed up, he was drunk (he admitted to it)
- Put excessive emphasis on the monetary value of things
- Made inappropriate 1st date “compliments”
- Looked like Billy Bob (this is only bad if you don’t like Billy Bob. I don’t.)
As I mentioned, we had agreed to meet at 7. Well, you should know by now, that I’m never late for a date (except for that one time), so I arrived right on time, hoping (against hope) that here is one guy who knows the definition of punctuality. Well, apparently Merriam-Webster will be removing “punctuality” from the dictionary in its 2010 edition. (For a complete list of words they are removing/adding/modifying, see here)
So, I settle down and wait. At 7:07 pm, I receive a text: “OMG. Lost track of time, leaving now be there in 10 minutes”. What a great feeling it is to know you’re someone’s priority! So, dejected but determined to go on this date, I let him know that I’m wearing a green dress, and will be waiting on the patio (with a beer in hand).
He replies: “Because I’m ran late, I’m wearing a hat with a beaver on it. Don’t worry though; I bought the hat at Holt Renfrew. LOL. It’s not a hoser hat.”
As I’m reading this message, an alarm is going off in my head: in my opinion, any guy who flaunts brand names and high-end stores clearly puts a lot of stock in the material things.
Buddy finally arrives at 7:25. I notice right away that he doesn’t look the 30 he said on his profile, and that he’s carrying a 6-pack too many around his mid-section, also unlike his profile picture. (Later in our conversation, it comes out that he’s actually 34.) But, I also tend to look different (though, not fatter) from one picture to another, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Well, it turns out that Buddy doesn’t waste any time with small talk: 15 minutes into our conversation he asks: “So, what are you looking for? Are you looking for sex?” Whoa, Buddy! I’m all about level-setting expectations, but there is a more tactful way to initiate that conversation. But, as by then, I’ve already made up my mind about him, I answer his question honestly.
As we continue to chat, my first impression – that of him being $$$ value obsessed – is reinforced. He talks about his 1M dollar company, his $3300 loft, etc. I realize that this may appeal to some women (*cough* golddiggers *cough*) but I’m not so easily impressed! Then, out of the blue, he blurts out: “God, you must be fun to talk to naked.” Um… thanks? (… and you will not be finding out.)
The rest of this story is anticlimactic…except for the very end. As I’m getting ready to leave, he calculatedly asks: “So, what do you think about us.” Naturally, I deflect: “I need to mull it over.” He replies: “If you have to think about it, then you don’t have to think about it.” Touché! And just like that, Buddy and our date was history.
In retrospect, even though it was just another failed date, it was a learning opportunity. I encourage all those of you who are braving the dating jungle, to consider every date as such. Practice makes perfect.
To Russia! For Love!
I have a dilemma: on September 13th, I am heading to Russia (a.k.a. Motherland) to visit my family (grandparents, aunts/uncles, godparents, etc.) On its own, this is awesome, since I haven’t seen The Family in 2 years. However, the awesomeness of the situation is complicated by the fact that one of my grandfathers (on my dad’s side) is forever trying to coerce (not convince) me to come live in Russia, whether it’s to study, to work, or to get married. So, he wastes no opportunity to try and set me up with “a nice Russian boy”. I love my grandfather, but I just do not want to move to Russia! (I will not state my reasons here) And, how do I tell him so outright without hurting his feelings? (Never mind that my command of Russian is far subpar to express the valid reasons for not wanting to go back there). So, thus far, I’ve avoided his guilt trips by:
- Telling him all about my great job in Canada
- Stating that I wish to do graduate studies in Harvard or Cambridge rather than some university in Russia (he is a Professor himself, and has a true appreciation for World’s top universities, so he REALLY buys into that; plus, I’m pretty awesome, so I actually stand a chance at one of those universities)
- Having a boyfriend or an object of affection that I could talk about at length
Unluckily for me, as he gets older (71 currently; those unreasonable old men!), his desire to have great-grandkids grows. Also exacerbating the situation *this* year, is the fact is that my sister is there (in Russia) currently… with her long-term, live-in boyfriend.
SO, I have challenged myself to the impossible (given my track record): to go on 3 dates with the same guy before my departure to Russia, so that I can at least “talk” about someone to my grandparents and avoid the big “set-up”.
Will I succeed or dramatically fail? Stay tuned, and I’ll keep you posted. I also avow to take an offensive approach to on-line dating, which has – in recent times – been my biggest source of dates. Thus far, I've taken the "sitting duck" approach: basically waiting for men to message me and not vice versa.
Bonus points if you can read a map
When it comes to asking for directions, I think that most guys would rather cut off their <insert some appendage here> than actually do it. Although I also have been known to drive around aimlessly whilst trying to find my way, I reserve that for my leisurely drives, and not when I have some place to be … especially on a date.
The following is an account of what transpired when I decided to meet up with Peter, a boy I met on Plenty of Fish. I spent a lot of time talking to Peter prior to meeting up with him. In fact, I would say too much time. The danger with online dating, which is proven by the research coming out in this area, confirms the dangers of ‘getting to know’ someone purely through virtual communication. I recently saw a statistic stating that 11% of on-line daters claim to be ‘in love’ prior to ever meeting the object of their affection face-to-face. People! Let’s stop and think for a second about whom we are really falling in love with here: it’s NOT the person, but rather what that person has told us in writing. (For some humour relief, check out Do You Wanna Date My Avatar – The Guild)
So, on my computer screen, Peter seemed really cool. He had a decent picture (which he sent to me with his initial message; it’s not posted to his public profile), and he was well-spoken (errrr… written); we exchanged a few awesome e-mails; and we both seemed to have a thirst for a first date that was something other than ordinary (i.e. coffee.) So, when we finally decided to meet up, I proposed a walk in the Gatineau Park.
BEFORE, you say anything; I’ve already been chewed out by my friends for deciding to meet a stranger in some secluded mountain park, so hold back on any such comments. Oh, and DON’T do it yourself.
We agreed to meet at noon on Sunday. This was the first time I was driving to our chosen rendez-vous spot, so I Googled the directions, and took off with 30 minutes to spare. Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account the estival road construction, or the epic Google Maps fail that transpired (Google fail? Inconceivable!) Basically, Google was telling me to turn off onto a parkways actually ran above me; which had no on or off ramp. When I realized this at 11:55, I resigned to being late, pulled over and txt’ed Peter announcing my imminent lateness. Then, I promptly headed to the park visitor’s centre to ask for directions (luckily I knew where it was). After the info desk girl straightened me out, I was once again headed to meet my date. I drive-texted (I KNOW! How awful!… and it’s illegal in Quebec too) Peter to let him know I would be there soon. Surprisingly, his reply was:
“Don’t worry, I’m lost too.”
I arrived on location at 12:25 (not too late, right?) and texted Peter once again to let him know I was there, then sat down to wait… and wait… and wait. After 30 mins of waiting, I texted him once more, but Peter reassured me that he was almost there. So, I waited some more. At 1:15 – ready to give up – I decided to text him one final time. This time his reply was:
“Yeah, I can’t find and give up. Want to meet on a patio somewhere back in Ottawa? Drinks on me.”
Really?! What a winner! I probably should have called it quits then, but considering I had a hard time finding the place myself, I agreed to his alternate plan. But, in my mind, Peter already had 2 strikes against him. As it turned out, Strike 3 was just around the corner. When we finally met, Peter was lackluster in more ways than one:
- Appearance: he didn’t look at all like in that one photo he had sent me. In fact he looked more like this.
- Fidgety: he was visibly uncomfortable, whether it was because of the heat or because he was embarrassed about his lackluster performance.
- Boooo(yawn) ring: our conversation seriously lacked flow. In fact, the flow might have been negative.
So, in the end, it was the end of Peter. But, dear men, take heed: even if asking someone for directions may undermine your masculinity (or whatever), when planning a date, figure out where you’re going and get there on time. After all, it’s a woman’s prerogative to be late.
The douchebag report: Part III – Neil’s deal
It would be inappropriate for me to wrap up the Douchebag Report without telling you what happened to Neil. Well, I gave Neil his review – albeit, I did it over the phone, not via e-mail. Rest assured though, I went over every point with him. In fact, he even took notes! (At least that’s what *he* said).
Not surprisingly, I gave him an overall grade of D: This is not going to work, in bed or out. Goodbye! But, the boy did have some good qualities:
His major strengths were:
- Especially attentive; really makes his intentions clear. Definitely expresses interest and continually shows it.
- Good looking in the traditional sense.
- Very punctual and consciously so; this is much appreciated.
His major weaknesses were:
- You need to understand how your actions are perceived by other people; your young age really shines through in this area, and given your chosen career parth, you are likely to make more enemies than friends with your current behavior
- Overly flirtatious; you flirt with anyone and anything no matter age or sex. There is no subtlety to your flirtations and this is very unattractive and badly perceived by others.
- Exaggeration: you exaggerate and sweat over the small stuff and act like arrogant as if others should know or care about it. In fact, because these things are very insignificant for people other than you or those in your immediate circle of friends, your arrogance is in vain and is often taken for false pretentiousness.
Obviously, Neil was somewhat upset but the things I was saying; he didn’t see it coming. When he started justifying his behavior, talking about how he was really a manwhore (Really? Good to know!) since his last relationship went belly up, I suggested that he take some time off from dating/sleeping around and really reconsider him path of self-destruction. Then, I hit him with a really good line, adapted from something a great friend once said to me: without pain, there can be no change (accentuating that post break-up, one really need to take the time off and feel some pain.)
Not surprisingly, no one had ever really given him feedback like mine, but that’s expected. We, as humans, just don’t like discussing others’ negative characteristics in an upfront manner. Instead, we do this behind their backs.
To conclude, next time you’re breaking up with someone, don’t use clichéd, vague, and ambiguous lines like: “It’s not you, it’s me”; or “I’m just not looking for anything serious right now”. Man up, and tell that person exactly what you’re thinking (but, be nice about it!). Chances are, they will appreciate it more than you will ever know!
The douchebag report: Part II – breaking up is hard to do, and douchebags are people too…
(See also The Andrea Doria episode of Seinfied. It’s all about being a ‘bad breaker-upper’. It's completely relevant to this post)
So, at this point, breaking up with Neil is inevitable. However, because he had shared with me his desire to pursue a career in politics, I felt that I owed to him some “constructive criticism” because I truly believe in developing individuals and helping them achieve personal growth and success. (I was also massively inspired by my job, as I have to do personnel evaluations.)
My friends, on the other hand, were completely against anything but: “you suck, goodbye”-type of breakup. Other suggestions for breaking up with him included having a conference call so all people from the party could tell him how much of a douchebag he is.
But, I am stubborn and I REALLY wanted to give Neil my piece of mind. So, I created (drum roll please)…The Man Review. That’s right, this is a paper (or electronic) evaluation of your relationship or courtship to fill out prior to some important decision regarding the continuity of said ‘-ship’.
N.B. Other creative methods of breaking up include: Build-a-breakup. If you're trying to send a certain message, try this video: It's not fair - Lily Allen.
THE MAN REVIEW
To be used when considering ending a relationship or a courtship, are any other “-ship”.
GENERAL COMMENTS:
Here, describe how you met the guy, and why you are faced with the decision you are about to make.
EVALUATION DETAILS:
Interest in me
- High interest in me; very enthusiastic to spend time with me and shows it
- More than average amount of interest; pays me regular attention
- Satisfactory amount of interest; makes attempts to communicate with me regularly
- Lackadaisical; sporadically shows interest in me; waits for me to call
- Not applicable
Initiative
- Go-getter; creates opportunities to go out with me
- High; seeks opportunities to go out with me
- Average; responds well to suggested plans
- Low; relies on me to make plans and contributes very little in terms of planning
- Not applicable
Judgment
- Exceptionally good; makes decisions based on thorough analysis of possible outcomes
- Good; makes decision based on good common sense
- Fair; makes good decisions in routine matters
- Often makes bad decisions, without thinking through the consequences
- Not applicable
Dependability
- Exceptionally trustworthy; can be trusted and depended upon wholeheartedly
- Can be trusted in most cases; rarely acts in ways that questions my trust
- Can be trusted in some situations, though not important ones
- Unreliable; cannot be depended or trusted
- Not applicable
Communication skills
- Excellent communicator; initiates discussion and can discuss a large variety of issues easily and humbly
- Strong communicator; gets involved in discussion and contributes positively
- Okay communication skills; sometimes jumps into discussion which are outside of his realm of knowledge
- Awful communicator; incapable of being an active or effective contributor to a discussion topic
Relations with others
- Everyone’s pal; makes new friends easily and does not need to be babysat at social functions
- Very easygoing; does not have need to make friends with everyone
- Gets along with people well; needs to be liked by everyone
- Sometimes contrary and unwilling to get to know new people and explore potential friendships
- Not applicable
Kissing
- Master kisser; knows how and when to initiate and makes me forget reality
- Good kisser; follows my lead and willing to learn
- Average kisser; technique is not very developed but shows potential
- Bad kisser – does not take hints
- Not applicable
Performance in bedroom
- Zeus in bed; asks for feedback and gives me what I want and need
- Excellent lover; satisfies me most of the time
- Not very experienced, but a keen learner and listens for feedback
- Knows his stuff but assumes too much; doesn’t ask for likes/dislikes
- Mediocre; cares little for my pleasure
- Not applicable
Physical appearance
- Super-model hot; gives Brad Pitt a run for his money
- Good looking in the traditional sense
- Cute; his personality shines right through
- Average; could do better for myself
- Good from far; far from good
Wealth
- Sugar daddy!
- Constant increasing wealth
- Average income
- Low-level income
- EI collector/Milking the welfare system
- Not applicable (I don't know)
Punctuality
- Acceptable
- Unacceptable
Acceptance of criticisms and suggestions
- Appreciative and willing
- Somewhat reluctant to accept constructive feedback
- Does not appreciate or retain any feedback
- Not applicable
MAJOR STRENGTHS
1. Compliment the guy; I'm sure he has some good qualities
2. If you can't think of anything, take a negative characteristic, and phrase is positively
3. I.e. you show much potential as a boyfriend
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT
1. In telling him how much he sucks, don't forget to phrase constructively
2. I.e. "you need to establish mutual boundaries. I don't appreciate it when you call me 50 times a day. Others may appreciate such attention, but this needs to be discussed before you upgrade your cell phone package.
3. Or: "be conscious of how your body language is perceived by others. Your attention can be misconstrued as overt flirtation, bordering harassment"
OVERALL GRADE AND VERDICT: ____
A - You are a definite keeper; future husband material
B - I will keep you around now; you show potential
C - I’m breaking up with you, but... do you want to retain the benefits?
D - This is not going to work, in bed or out. Goodbye!
F - Get the f*ck out; if you try to contact me, I will call the police
The douchebag report: Part I – how to spot a douchebag
Dear readers, in this article I would like to talk about douchebags because there are quite many amongst us. What is a douchebag? Well (one of) urban dictionary definitions of a douchebag is:
“An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence [sic], behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.”
Now, how to spot a douchebag: a few weeks ago I met a guy at a friend’s party. Neil was a very interesting character if only because he was bold, and he was hitting on me hardcore. But, he was also hitting on everyone else in the place – male, female, young, old, attached, single. But I was intrigued by him and wanted to observe him some more. So, when he expressed the wish to see me ‘socially’, I gave him my BlackBerry PIN. Despite the fact the most of the people at the party had formed a negative opinion of him, I am a sensible woman and like to make up my own mind about others. So, we went to dinner a week later. He proved to be very a great conversationalist, and I was enjoying his company, and so, later that night, I invited him to a friend’s party, as a continuation of the date.
Now I have to tell you about these ‘tests’ I have when it comes to dating:
- The “heel test”: any guy I date has to be same height, or taller as me when I am wearing heels. That means I date only guys over 5’11”. Personal preference.
- The “friend test”, which is what it sounds like: my friends must approve any guys I date. This rule came into effect after 2 important, but failed relationships. In both cases, my friends had told me that I deserve better, but I didn’t listen. Now, I know that I deserve to be with someone AWESOME.
- The “babysitter test”, which stipulates that if I invite a guy to a party, I don’t want to babysit him all night. I expect him to go about, mingle, and get to know the people there without my constant supervision. Naturally I will introduce the guy to a few people, but my involvement and commitment stops there.
Neil definitely passed tests 1 & 3, but results of test 2 were inconclusive, for 2 reasons: a) he didn’t speak my really ‘close’ friends, and b) the party was really loud, and interactions between him and friends were limited to the basics. However, there were signs that he might successfully pass test 2, as one of my guy friends stated: “well, I don’t HATE him.”
But, things would soon start to go sour: we went out again later that week, and I began to have doubts – specifically with respect to Neil’s psychological and emotional maturation. I am not foolish to believe that all younger men are immature, because I know that not all older men are mature, so I often give the younger ones a chance. But, it was the little things that Neil said that led me to believe that he was not man enough for me. Since I had already invited him to another party a few days later – this time with my closest friends – I decided to give him another (but final) chance.
To foreshadow Neil’s verdict, after the party, everyone had something to say about about ‘that guy in pink shirt’, and (anti-climatically) none of it was positive. From their accounts, I compiled the telltale signs of a douchebad. He's a douchebag if he:
- Introduces himself as “Hi, I’m Neil and I have a 9ft TV”
- Hits on EVERY female at the party even though he is there with someone
- Says to a female friend: “Hey, nice shirt!” and runs his hand across her chest as if to feel the material it’s made of
- Asks: “So, what riding are you from (political)” and, when the answer is “Oh, I’m not actually from here” turns around and walks away with a sneer
- Uses lines like: “the sunrise looks great from my window, you should check it out sometime”
After the party, my friends suggested I ditch Neil ASAP. Since this only served to confirm my earlier concerns, I was content to do so. BUT, I needed (read: wanted) to come up with a creative way to do so. Read about it in Part 2 - how to lose a douchebag, in 10 minutes or less (working title).