How to be single The experiential dating advice blog

The douchebag report: Part I – how to spot a douchebag

Dear readers, in this article I would like to talk about douchebags because there are quite many amongst us. What is a douchebag? Well (one of) urban dictionary definitions of a douchebag is:

“An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence [sic], behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.”

Now, how to spot a douchebag: a few weeks ago I met a guy at a friend’s party. Neil was a very interesting character if only because he was bold, and he was hitting on me hardcore. But, he was also hitting on everyone else in the place – male, female, young, old, attached, single. But I was intrigued by him and wanted to observe him some more. So, when he expressed the wish to see me ‘socially’, I gave him my BlackBerry PIN. Despite the fact the most of the people at the party had formed a negative opinion of him, I am a sensible woman and like to make up my own mind about others. So, we went to dinner a week later. He proved to be very a great conversationalist, and I was enjoying his company, and so, later that night, I invited him to a friend’s party, as a continuation of the date.

Now I have to tell you about these ‘tests’ I have when it comes to dating:

1. The “heel test”: any guy I date has to be same height, or taller as me when I am wearing heels. That means I date only guys over 5’11”. Personal preference.
2. The “friend test”, which is what it sounds like: my friends must approve any guys I date. This rule came into effect after 2 important, but failed relationships. In both cases, my friends had told me that I deserve better, but I didn’t listen. Now, I know that I deserve to be with someone AWESOME.
3. The “babysitter test”, which stipulates that if I invite a guy to a party, I don’t want to babysit him all night. I expect him to go about, mingle, and get to know the people there without my constant supervision. Naturally I will introduce the guy to a few people, but my involvement and commitment stops there.

Neil definitely passed tests 1 & 3, but results of test 2 were inconclusive, for 2 reasons: a) he didn’t speak my really ‘close’ friends, and b) the party was really loud, and interactions between him and friends were limited to the basics. However, there were signs that he might successfully pass test 2, as one of my guy friends stated: “well, I don’t HATE him.”

But, things would soon start to go sour: we went out again later that week, and I began to have doubts – specifically with respect to Neil’s psychological and emotional maturation. I am not foolish to believe that all younger men are immature, because I know that not all older men are mature, so I often give the younger ones a chance. But, it was the little things that Neil said that led me to believe that he was not man enough for me. Since I had already invited him to another party a few days later – this time with my closest friends – I decided to give him another (but final) chance.

To foreshadow Neil’s verdict, after the party, everyone had something to say about about ‘that guy in pink shirt’, and (anti-climatically) none of it was positive.  From their accounts, I compiled the telltale signs of a douchebad. He's a douchebag if he:

1. Introduces himself as “Hi, I’m Neil and I have a 9ft TV”
2. Hits on EVERY female at the party even though he is there with someone
3. Says to a female friend: “Hey, nice shirt!” and runs his hand across her chest as if to feel the material it’s made of
4. Asks: “So, what riding are you from (political)” and, when the answer is “Oh, I’m not actually from here” turns around and walks away with a sneer
5. Uses lines like: “the sunrise looks great from my window, you should check it out sometime”

After the party, my friends suggested I ditch Neil ASAP. Since this only served to confirm my earlier concerns, I was content to do so. BUT, I needed (read: wanted) to come up with a creative way to do so.  Read about it in Part 2 - how to lose a douchebag, in 10 minutes or less (working title).