How to be single The experiential dating advice blog

The douchebag report: Part II – breaking up is hard to do, and douchebags are people too…

(See also The Andrea Doria episode of Seinfied. It’s all about being a ‘bad breaker-upper’. It's completely relevant to this post)

So, at this point, breaking up with Neil is inevitable. However, because he had shared with me his desire to pursue a career in politics, I felt that I owed to him some “constructive criticism” because I truly believe in developing individuals and helping them achieve personal growth and success. (I was also massively inspired by my job, as I have to do personnel evaluations.)

My friends, on the other hand, were completely against anything but: “you suck, goodbye”-type of breakup. Other suggestions for breaking up with him included having a conference call so all people from the party could tell him how much of a douchebag he is.

But, I am stubborn and I REALLY wanted to give Neil my piece of mind. So, I created (drum roll please)…The Man Review. That’s right, this is a paper (or electronic) evaluation of your relationship or courtship to fill out prior to some important decision regarding the continuity of said ‘-ship’.

N.B. Other creative methods of breaking up include: Build-a-breakup. If you're trying to send a certain message, try this video: It's not fair - Lily Allen.

THE MAN REVIEW

To be used when considering ending a relationship or a courtship, are any other “-ship”.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

Here, describe how you met the guy, and why you are faced with the decision you are about to make.

EVALUATION DETAILS:

Interest in me

1. High interest in me; very enthusiastic to spend time with me and shows it
2. More than average amount of interest; pays me regular attention
3. Satisfactory amount of interest; makes attempts to communicate with me regularly
4. Lackadaisical; sporadically shows interest in me; waits for me to call
5. Not applicable

Initiative

1. Go-getter; creates opportunities to go out with me
2. High; seeks opportunities to go out with me
3. Average; responds well to suggested plans
4. Low; relies on me to make plans and contributes very little in terms of planning
5. Not applicable

Judgment

1. Exceptionally good; makes decisions based on thorough analysis of possible outcomes
2. Good; makes decision based on good common sense
3. Fair; makes good decisions in routine matters
4. Often makes bad decisions, without thinking through the consequences
5. Not applicable

Dependability

1. Exceptionally trustworthy; can be trusted and depended upon wholeheartedly
2. Can be trusted in most cases; rarely acts in ways that questions my trust
3. Can be trusted in some situations, though not important ones
4. Unreliable; cannot be depended or trusted
5. Not applicable

Communication skills

1. Excellent communicator; initiates discussion and can discuss a large variety of issues easily and humbly
2. Strong communicator; gets involved in discussion and contributes positively
3. Okay communication skills; sometimes jumps into discussion which are outside of his realm of knowledge
4. Awful communicator; incapable of being an active or effective contributor to a discussion topic

Relations with others

1. Everyone’s pal; makes new friends easily and does not need to be babysat at social functions
2. Very easygoing; does not have need to make friends with everyone
3. Gets along with people well; needs to be liked by everyone
4. Sometimes contrary and unwilling to get to know new people and explore potential friendships
5. Not applicable

Kissing

1. Master kisser; knows how and when to initiate and makes me forget reality
2. Good kisser; follows my lead and willing to learn
3. Average kisser; technique is not very developed but shows potential
4. Bad kisser – does not take hints
5. Not applicable

Performance in bedroom

1. Zeus in bed; asks for feedback and gives me what I want and need
2. Excellent lover; satisfies me most of the time
3. Not very experienced, but a keen learner and listens for feedback
4. Knows his stuff but assumes too much; doesn’t ask for likes/dislikes
5. Mediocre; cares little for my pleasure
6. Not applicable

Physical appearance

1. Super-model hot; gives Brad Pitt a run for his money
2. Good looking in the traditional sense
3. Cute; his personality shines right through
4. Average; could do better for myself
5. Good from far; far from good

Wealth

1. Sugar daddy!
2. Constant increasing wealth
3. Average income
4. Low-level income
5. EI collector/Milking the welfare system
6. Not applicable (I don't know)

Punctuality

1. Acceptable
2. Unacceptable

Acceptance of criticisms and suggestions

1. Appreciative and willing
2. Somewhat reluctant to accept constructive feedback
3. Does not appreciate or retain any feedback
4. Not applicable

MAJOR STRENGTHS

1. Compliment the guy; I'm sure he has some good qualities

2. If you can't think of anything, take a negative characteristic, and phrase is positively

3.  I.e. you show much potential as a boyfriend

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT

1. In telling him how much he sucks, don't forget to phrase constructively

2. I.e. "you need to establish mutual boundaries. I don't appreciate it when you call me  50 times a day. Others may appreciate such attention, but this needs to be discussed before you upgrade your cell phone package.

3. Or: "be conscious of how your body language is perceived by others. Your attention can be misconstrued as overt flirtation, bordering harassment"

OVERALL GRADE AND VERDICT: ____

A - You are a definite keeper; future husband material

B - I will keep you around now; you show potential

C - I’m breaking up with you, but... do you want to retain the benefits?

D - This is not going to work, in bed or out. Goodbye!

F - Get the f*ck out; if you try to contact me, I will call the police