The douchebag report: Part II – breaking up is hard to do, and douchebags are people too…
(See also The Andrea Doria episode of Seinfied. It’s all about being a ‘bad breaker-upper’. It's completely relevant to this post)
So, at this point, breaking up with Neil is inevitable. However, because he had shared with me his desire to pursue a career in politics, I felt that I owed to him some “constructive criticism” because I truly believe in developing individuals and helping them achieve personal growth and success. (I was also massively inspired by my job, as I have to do personnel evaluations.)
My friends, on the other hand, were completely against anything but: “you suck, goodbye”-type of breakup. Other suggestions for breaking up with him included having a conference call so all people from the party could tell him how much of a douchebag he is.
But, I am stubborn and I REALLY wanted to give Neil my piece of mind. So, I created (drum roll please)…The Man Review. That’s right, this is a paper (or electronic) evaluation of your relationship or courtship to fill out prior to some important decision regarding the continuity of said ‘-ship’.
N.B. Other creative methods of breaking up include: Build-a-breakup. If you're trying to send a certain message, try this video: It's not fair - Lily Allen.
THE MAN REVIEW
To be used when considering ending a relationship or a courtship, are any other “-ship”.
GENERAL COMMENTS:
Here, describe how you met the guy, and why you are faced with the decision you are about to make.
EVALUATION DETAILS:
Interest in me
- High interest in me; very enthusiastic to spend time with me and shows it
- More than average amount of interest; pays me regular attention
- Satisfactory amount of interest; makes attempts to communicate with me regularly
- Lackadaisical; sporadically shows interest in me; waits for me to call
- Not applicable
Initiative
- Go-getter; creates opportunities to go out with me
- High; seeks opportunities to go out with me
- Average; responds well to suggested plans
- Low; relies on me to make plans and contributes very little in terms of planning
- Not applicable
Judgment
- Exceptionally good; makes decisions based on thorough analysis of possible outcomes
- Good; makes decision based on good common sense
- Fair; makes good decisions in routine matters
- Often makes bad decisions, without thinking through the consequences
- Not applicable
Dependability
- Exceptionally trustworthy; can be trusted and depended upon wholeheartedly
- Can be trusted in most cases; rarely acts in ways that questions my trust
- Can be trusted in some situations, though not important ones
- Unreliable; cannot be depended or trusted
- Not applicable
Communication skills
- Excellent communicator; initiates discussion and can discuss a large variety of issues easily and humbly
- Strong communicator; gets involved in discussion and contributes positively
- Okay communication skills; sometimes jumps into discussion which are outside of his realm of knowledge
- Awful communicator; incapable of being an active or effective contributor to a discussion topic
Relations with others
- Everyone’s pal; makes new friends easily and does not need to be babysat at social functions
- Very easygoing; does not have need to make friends with everyone
- Gets along with people well; needs to be liked by everyone
- Sometimes contrary and unwilling to get to know new people and explore potential friendships
- Not applicable
Kissing
- Master kisser; knows how and when to initiate and makes me forget reality
- Good kisser; follows my lead and willing to learn
- Average kisser; technique is not very developed but shows potential
- Bad kisser – does not take hints
- Not applicable
Performance in bedroom
- Zeus in bed; asks for feedback and gives me what I want and need
- Excellent lover; satisfies me most of the time
- Not very experienced, but a keen learner and listens for feedback
- Knows his stuff but assumes too much; doesn’t ask for likes/dislikes
- Mediocre; cares little for my pleasure
- Not applicable
Physical appearance
- Super-model hot; gives Brad Pitt a run for his money
- Good looking in the traditional sense
- Cute; his personality shines right through
- Average; could do better for myself
- Good from far; far from good
Wealth
- Sugar daddy!
- Constant increasing wealth
- Average income
- Low-level income
- EI collector/Milking the welfare system
- Not applicable (I don't know)
Punctuality
- Acceptable
- Unacceptable
Acceptance of criticisms and suggestions
- Appreciative and willing
- Somewhat reluctant to accept constructive feedback
- Does not appreciate or retain any feedback
- Not applicable
MAJOR STRENGTHS
1. Compliment the guy; I'm sure he has some good qualities
2. If you can't think of anything, take a negative characteristic, and phrase is positively
3. I.e. you show much potential as a boyfriend
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT
1. In telling him how much he sucks, don't forget to phrase constructively
2. I.e. "you need to establish mutual boundaries. I don't appreciate it when you call me 50 times a day. Others may appreciate such attention, but this needs to be discussed before you upgrade your cell phone package.
3. Or: "be conscious of how your body language is perceived by others. Your attention can be misconstrued as overt flirtation, bordering harassment"
OVERALL GRADE AND VERDICT: ____
A - You are a definite keeper; future husband material
B - I will keep you around now; you show potential
C - I’m breaking up with you, but... do you want to retain the benefits?
D - This is not going to work, in bed or out. Goodbye!
F - Get the f*ck out; if you try to contact me, I will call the police
August 13th, 2009 - 03:04
I’m going to play devil’s advocate; here’s where I disagree with you.
1. A guy who’s “very enthusiastic to spend time with you and shows it” is also a guy who might call you 50 times a day. You want the guy to be interested, for sure, but you can’t have him “showing it” too much or you’ll think he’s a Class-5 Clinger.
2. A guy who’s always creating opportunities to go out with you might seem over-enthusiastic. That’s the kind of “go-getting” that usually makes girls run for the hills. (Also, it’s no fun to *always* be the one coming up with plans. You should want to be seeing him, too.)
3. A guy who always makes decisions based on a thorough analysis of possible outcomes lacks spontaneity, and doesn’t take risks. This is a guy who’s liable to be an over-thinker. Sometimes you need to be rash, *especially* when making a first move.
I can’t imagine Zeus would ever ask for feedback. Communication (especially about sex) is key, but you don’t want to have a guy asking for step-by-step instructions for everything. Asking for feedback about sex is often taken as a sign of insecurity and lack of confidence; and hence becomes a huge turn-off. You might be better off volunteering feedback in a positive way (like “why don’t you try doing …” or “i really like it when …”).
IMO, the ideal candidate would be someone that has a balance of these criteria, a mix of 1’s, 2’s and 3’s. Someone who’s all the way on one end of the spectrum is probably going to bore you.
August 13th, 2009 - 04:14
You lifted a few of these criteria from the EB reviews, didn’t you?
August 13th, 2009 - 13:41
Skrud, I’m going to comment on all your points:
1. Here is the importance of mutually establishing what’s appropriate and what’s not. I personally don’t like it when a guy calls me 50 times a day, so I would tell him that. Hopefully, he would cease and desist. If not… well, that’s just not going to work.
2. I am not reviewing myself here, but the guy I’m seeing. So, we’re not analyzing how many opportunities I am creating to see the guy.
3. I’m not talking about basic decisions here – as in: “should I ask her out” and the possible thought processes that would come out of that. What if she says ‘yes’? What if she says ‘no’, etc. I’m talking about things like (reference to Part I of the post) going up to a girl, saying she has a nice shirt and blatantly feeling up her chest. THAT, can be avoided if you apply a little thought.
As for instructions on sex, yes I agree with you that asking for feedback on sex can be misconstrued as a sign of insecurity. BUT, since even in our generation talking about sex is somewhat taboo, that’s not helping anyone. What should be recognized is that we ALL like different things in bed, just because we are very unique individuals. And if you don’t ask, you won’t know; and if I don’t tell you, you will think that you’re doing everything right. Surely, there are tactful ways of eluding to what your sexual preferences are.
FINALLY, this ‘review’ is very individualistic. Some will think that a guy that hits all the top point is a keeper; some will think that one that gets all the 4’s is a keeper; and others will think that a combination of all, is a keeper. That’s a personal choice.
BUT, I’m only human, and thus fallible. So, I’m not saying my review is perfect. What I am saying, that in the case of Douchebag Neil, that’s what I ‘gave’ him (though I walked him through it, not e-mailed… he took notes!)
August 13th, 2009 - 14:52
I’m all for protecting the innocent (although pink-shirt isn’t all that innocent, is he?) but why use such a glorious name for the pseudonym!? You’re gonna crimp my style, put a kink in my game! Expect a liability lawsuit to be forthcoming.