L is for Ludicrous
(Not to be confused with Ludacris, the rapper.) Seriously, ludicrous is just the word to describe the date I had last Sunday; it left me laughing from its absurdity. Let’s rewind and reflect:
Earlier last week, I was online, browsing guys’ profiles on PoF. I actually messaged a few of them, and SUCCESS: I had a few replies. So on Sunday night, I arranged to meet with Buddy at 7 pm at a local pub. On my computer screen, he looked great: good-looking, successful, well traveled, speaks 4 languages, etc. Sadly, I wasn’t wearing my reading glasses when I read his profile. So, what was wrong with him? What wasn’t!?
- He lied on his online profile (age and photo)
- Was 25 minutes late
- When he (finally) showed up, he was drunk (he admitted to it)
- Put excessive emphasis on the monetary value of things
- Made inappropriate 1st date “compliments”
- Looked like Billy Bob (this is only bad if you don’t like Billy Bob. I don’t.)
As I mentioned, we had agreed to meet at 7. Well, you should know by now, that I’m never late for a date (except for that one time), so I arrived right on time, hoping (against hope) that here is one guy who knows the definition of punctuality. Well, apparently Merriam-Webster will be removing “punctuality” from the dictionary in its 2010 edition. (For a complete list of words they are removing/adding/modifying, see here)
So, I settle down and wait. At 7:07 pm, I receive a text: “OMG. Lost track of time, leaving now be there in 10 minutes”. What a great feeling it is to know you’re someone’s priority! So, dejected but determined to go on this date, I let him know that I’m wearing a green dress, and will be waiting on the patio (with a beer in hand).
He replies: “Because I’m ran late, I’m wearing a hat with a beaver on it. Don’t worry though; I bought the hat at Holt Renfrew. LOL. It’s not a hoser hat.”
As I’m reading this message, an alarm is going off in my head: in my opinion, any guy who flaunts brand names and high-end stores clearly puts a lot of stock in the material things.
Buddy finally arrives at 7:25. I notice right away that he doesn’t look the 30 he said on his profile, and that he’s carrying a 6-pack too many around his mid-section, also unlike his profile picture. (Later in our conversation, it comes out that he’s actually 34.) But, I also tend to look different (though, not fatter) from one picture to another, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Well, it turns out that Buddy doesn’t waste any time with small talk: 15 minutes into our conversation he asks: “So, what are you looking for? Are you looking for sex?” Whoa, Buddy! I’m all about level-setting expectations, but there is a more tactful way to initiate that conversation. But, as by then, I’ve already made up my mind about him, I answer his question honestly.
As we continue to chat, my first impression – that of him being $$$ value obsessed – is reinforced. He talks about his 1M dollar company, his $3300 loft, etc. I realize that this may appeal to some women (*cough* golddiggers *cough*) but I’m not so easily impressed! Then, out of the blue, he blurts out: “God, you must be fun to talk to naked.” Um… thanks? (… and you will not be finding out.)
The rest of this story is anticlimactic…except for the very end. As I’m getting ready to leave, he calculatedly asks: “So, what do you think about us.” Naturally, I deflect: “I need to mull it over.” He replies: “If you have to think about it, then you don’t have to think about it.” Touché! And just like that, Buddy and our date was history.
In retrospect, even though it was just another failed date, it was a learning opportunity. I encourage all those of you who are braving the dating jungle, to consider every date as such. Practice makes perfect.