I wish you hadn’t told me that
You know what wrong with people who date? We don’t know what we want from dating! Don’t have a clue! Proof? How many times have you heard the following:
- “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”; or
- “We’re in different places in our lives.”; or (my personal favourite)
- “If you get involved with me, I’ll end up hurting you.”
I guarantee that if you canvas the persons who have uttered such clichés, and ask them “What are you looking for?” they couldn’t answer you.
The only way to figure out what you want is through self-exploration, and that’s about as gay as it sounds (no offense to any of my gay friends!) Seriously, how many of us actually consciously indulge in introspection, extrospection, & retrospection about our dating habits? I only know a handful of people. I’m not one of them.
The reason for this post is that a few weeks ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that – prior to that moment – I had no clue what I was looking for. And, in exactly the same moment, I realized what I was looking for. Unfortunately, this mind-blowing realization came at the expense of a really nice guy, Peter.
About Peter: I first met him in person at a party, and a little while later, he messaged me on-line. He didn’t remember me, but I remembered him. Since I had enjoyed his company the first time, I agreed to go on a date with him. The timing was off, since I was just getting into the busiest time of the year for me at work. But, I made time for Peter, and – wait for it – we had a great time! We even decided that a second date was a surety. In no uncertain terms, I told Peter that I was traveling out of town for work in the following 2 weeks, so we decided to touch base again in 2 weeks’ time.
Well, Peter didn’t (couldn’t) hold up his end of the bargain. He messaged me after the first week-end, with profound details on the happenings in his life, with inquiries into my life. I was busy, so I didn’t reply. He messaged me again the following week, detailing his plans for the week ahead. Still über busy, I, once again, didn’t reply. Finally, when I was back into town, he messaged me again to set up for our 2nd date.
Things at work had started to calm down, so I finally replied to his e-mail with my availability. But – since I am a social butterfly – before he got back to me, I was all booked up. So, I proposed the following week. And that’s when Peter proceeded to dig his own grave.
His reply (which started with: “I really hoped to avoid telling you this…but) contained details on the circumstances surrounding the determination of our 2nd date. He talked at length about his upcoming trip to Montreal: he could go either “this” week-end, or “next” week-end; he could either take Monday/Tuesday off work, or Thursday/Friday; the ideal day for our date was on Tuesday. Then again, he was ambivalent about it, since what mattered to him is that WE GO ON A DATE.
He also mentioned that his friends (he listed them off by names, and didn’t preface them with the customary “my friends, w Lisa and Patrick…”, were going up for the entire week, but he couldn’t take that much time off work. (By the way, what’s up with that? This is the 2nd time I hear a guy do that: refer to someone by name as if I’m supposed to know who they are. It’s really annoying. E.g. Dave just messaged me. He’s having a party on Saturday, do you want to go? Who the f*ck is Dave? Is he your friend? Your brother? Your sister? Your Dad? Your boss? WHO?! In any case, I digress.)
I really, really wanted to give Peter a chance. But the cornucopia of details in his e-mail, and previous e-mails, led me to believe that he was looking for a serious relationship. That’s when it hit me: I do not want that. I am very content with dating.
So, I broke Peter’s heart, but I didn’t give him the lame “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” Instead, I explained to him that I was very focused on my career, and was considering jobs outside of Ottawa. I avowed that I felt he was looking for something more serious (which he confirmed in his final reply). And, yeah, I did tell him he provided too much information in that last e-mail. He took it positively.