Keeper or Creeper?
So, with having recently decided that I won’t be shagging up with anybody until I’m in an exclusive relationship – as per Millionaire Matchmaker’s advice – comes the trouble of having to decide whether or not a guy is a keeper or a creeper. Should be easy, right? Well, not quite.
First, the reason behind my decision – which wasn’t easy – is because with sex, comes the emotional attachment. At least, this is so for most girls. After all, sex is intimate. As per my roommate, “sex doesn’t have to be complicated, unless you let it be.” Well, in order for sex not to get complicated, you have to be very “self-aware.” You have to constantly make sure you are on top of your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. I admit that I’ve had a few FwB (friends with benefits), and most of them were quite successful: I’m still friends with most of my past FwB’s. But, like I said – those good relationships are due to the fact that I’ve always reminded myself that I was in it just for the satisfaction of my basic human needs. If we involve good ol’ Abraham Maslow into this discussion, then you’ll see, that having friends with benefits, is basically keeping yourself at the first/second levels of the pyramid.
So, essentially – and eventually – all of us feel that we need to find that Mr./Mrs. Right, and get on with accomplishing more than just our most basic needs. That’s where your whole perception on sex changes.
The rest of the discussion is very girl-driven (sorry to my guy friends) and it’s mostly humorous. Remember, you’re reading this for comic relief! Keep in mind too that I consider myself an elitist snob [said with a Russian accent].
And so, this post is all about what you need to uncover about him if you’re looking for Mr. Right, as opposed to Mr. Right Now.
a) Does he message you to ask you how your day was, or to ask what color underwear you’re wearing? If you’re in an exclusive relationship, the latter is quite fine, if all you’ve had was 2 dates, a message “I wish you were here to play with me” is somewhat inappropriate.
b) His EPI – earnings potential index. This may sound very “gold-digger-ish” but we can’t deny that women are attracted to men who can provide for us and our children; whilst men are attracted to women who look healthy and fertile and capable of bearing them heirs. Beware: this is not something that you can just ask a guy – so you have to be really sneaky with your questions, and derive the answer from his behaviors.
c) His CI – chivalry index. Keeping in line with the fact that girls need to make sure that “HE” can provide for us:
- a) does he hold the door open and let you through first? If so, where does he put his arm? Upper back = friends only; butt = sex only; mid-back = keeper
d) His style:
- What kind of shoes?
- Sneakers – he’s either casual or lazy.
- Deck shoes or something similar: he likes comfort but cares bout his style.
- Gucci’s or something – he’s more into his style than you, or he’s gay.
- What kind of shirt? If t-shirt, he’s into casual wear or he’s lazy.
- Watch? Timex – yeah… lose him
e) Sunglasses and usage?
- Does he wear his sunglasses at night?
f) His attitude towards kids/pets.
- First off, does he have pets?
- Second of all, what does he think about kids?
- You can’t just ASK him. Every guy will say that he likes kids, because that’s what we want to hear. Instead, test him. Take him to a park, point out the most Satanic-looking kid and say: “Awww, isn’t he such a sweetheart?!” If the answer is positive, then it’s a go-ahead. If he instead says: “Yeah, right, s/he needs to be shot.” Well, you know what to do.
g) What sports does he play? You’ll want to have a guy who cares about his physical fitness so that he doesn’t die and leave you caring for the offerings by yourself.
h) Does he do his own laundry or does he take it home to him mom? If you’re over at this place, check to see if he’s got a laundry room/basket.
i) Can he carry a conversation? I went on a date with a guy – Peter – and during 45 mins, he asked me all of 3 questions. AND, that was after I deliberately stopped talking, and let there be an awkward silence to see if he could muster any questions. After 45 mins, he asked if he wanted to go elsewhere (we were only having a coffee.) I guess he liked awkward silences…
j) What does he think of the Porsche Cayman S? (Just kidding 
)
Let’s play a love game
Who was it again that said that guys don’t play games? It’s irrelevant at this point, since that individual was uninformed. Boys/Guys/Men play games as well. Not only have I observed this myself, but it was explicitly stated to me by numerous male friends.
Admittedly though, we play different games. (If you’ve never read the book Love Bites, by it’s Happy Bunny, I highly recommend it. It has a great chapter on Games.)
Games girls play
Let’s examine the following scenario:
Girl: “Why don’t you come over and watch movie with me?”
Boy: “I am tired and want to go to bed.”
What she’s thinking: Hmm, he doesn’t want to come over. Maybe he’s angry with me. Or, maybe he’s lying. He’s probably cheating on me. Or, he’s playing poker with the guys, or hitting up the clubs. Maybe he’s lost interest in me. What if I’m not pretty anymore? Etc.
What the guy is thinking: I’m tired. I’m going to bed.
As the result of the female neurotic processes the girl will now attempt to telepathically figure out what the guy is “really” thinking. Once she feels she’s done, she’ll determine some sort of punishment for the guy, and will consequently attempt to inform him of it, telepathically. Poor schmuck!
I have been guilty of such behavior, though perhaps not as coo-coo. A while back, I was “seeing” a guy, and after talking with him – either via phone or e-mail, on a daily or bi-daily basis for a few months, he didn’t call me or communicate with me for a week. So, I figured he was mad at me for some reason, and did something he later termed as inappropriate. It also turns out that he hadn’t called because he had been busy.
Girls’ psycho behavior makes guys put the following warnings on their online profile:
“Ciao! Firstly, save the drama for your mama...”
“SO IF YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES SORRY BUT F**K OFF” [sic]
“im not into head games” [sic]
To be honest, this turns me off. Since I know that guys play games as well (perfect lead in to the next section, don’t you think?)
Games guys play
By far the most popular game they play is the Asshole game. What is this? Since guys are not telepathic – and have never claimed to be – they respond to girls’ games by generally behaving like assholes (i.e. not calling back, displaying un-gentleman-like behavior, etc.) because they just can’t figure the girls out. This is simply an adaptive response to girls’ unreasonableness. For ages, men have tried to figure out why women are so nuts, and figured out that the best way to address it is to act like a total asshole because that’s what we expect of them anyways. And some girls even like it! (as crazy as it sounds.)
So generally, if a girl is to question out loud: “Why are you such an asshole?” Guy responds: “Because that’s how assholes act.”
It’s an infinite loop. The only way to stop this insane behavior by the genders is COMMUNICATION (e.g. discuss expectations for your relationships.) If you need a lesson on communication, I can lend you my textbook from Sexual Behavior course from university. It has EXCELLENT advice.
In the end, I reiterate that men’s game is really a response to girls’ behavior. The only way figure guys out, is to take their words at face value.
To do or not to do? The infamous 3rd Date
Extra! Extra! This just in! I went on a 2nd date. Whoa, right?! Right?! To put it into perspective, this is the first time that I’ve gone on a 2nd date with a guy I met online. (Okay, technically, that’s not entirely true. Back in ’07, I did go on multiple dates with a nice boy. But that didn’t go anywhere due to diverging life paths.)
Naturally, after the date – as after all my dates – I debriefed with my dating coaches (I have 2 – very important people) and my friends. Let me digress for a bit and say: if you don’t have a dating coach, get one. It’s always best to have someone who is familiar with the dating scene.
OK, back to the topic at hand. At the debrief, a very interesting discussion ensued. (In fact – when you factor in that this discussion took place over lunch, at work – you can most certainly claim that it was a NSFW discussion (not safe for work). Since we seem to have these discussions often, I’ve began thinking of starting a podcast… or my own reality TV show. If I do, it’ll definitely be titled NSFW.) Crikey, I digressed again.
So, the discussion was around the whole societal myth that on Date 3, you sleep with him/her. In reality, if you analyze how much you can learn about your date, in the 1-2 hours, then factor in two dates and weigh it against the emotional impact of having sex with someone, the “infamous Date 3” seems implausible. Yet, many amongst us commonly believe the following:
Date 1 = meet, talk, get to know each other, maybe kiss
Date 2 = talk more, discover move, kiss, maybe take off some clothes
Date 3 = talk yet more, you – or he – stays over for breakfast
I was curious to see if this “Date 3” myth was indeed a reality, so I Googled. The response… is… well, not really a response. As with all human issues – the answer varies: by sex, by age, and by personal choice. Thus, my advice is: if you are faced with this decision: to do or not to do (on Date 3), consider the following:
- If given the chance, guys *will* do it on the 1st/2nd/3rd date, so it’s usually up to girl to set the pace (unless she’s a sex addict). Tip: if your resolve is weak, it’s best not to go on dates that involve alcohol.
- What do you want? Set expectations for yourself, and level-set your mate to them. Honesty is the best policy.
- Generally, if subsequent dates are spaced out (more than 2 weeks between dates), the Date-o-meter is reset every time. So, basically, you’re not subjected to the societal standards.
For comic relief, the *top* response came from one of my dating coaches (male) who said: “if I could have, I would have done her on Date 1.” Yes, men are that primitive. I also recommend the following AskMen article.
In the end though, my advice is: figure out what you want (if you're looking for a long-term thing, falling into bed with him on Date 1 will definitely send the wrong message), and stick to your guns.
In the interest of keeping this blog PG13, I’ll admit that I had many “opportunities” on Date 2. However, I adhered to my personal standards, which I shared with him: I told him that I wasn’t looking for a “just a toss-in-the-hay,” and directed him to look elsewhere, if that were all he was looking for. Date 3 is pending.
Ingenuous thought of today
Men are primitive creatures. When we (as women) fully come to terms with this, we will be less often disappointed by their primitive acts (i.e. not putting the toilet seat down), and more often surprised by those occasional acts that transcend primitiveness (i.e. opening the car door.)
And while I admit that this is not true of all men, it's best to be prepared for the "worst-case" scenario.
New blog feature: ingenuous thought of today
Every now and again, after a good night's sleep, when my mind is clear of clutter, a highly philosophical concept presents itself to me. So, I've decided to start sharing these with you, under the header of "Ingenuous thought of today." This won't be a daily occurence, since daily features often have diluted and meaningless content - unless it's Dilbert. So, enjoy!