A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part I
(First, I apologize for the delay in writing a post. It’s been a hectic time for me as I just moved. So, between packing, Halloween, unpacking, and dating, I haven’t had a chance to put the pen to paper. Or, more appropriately, my fingertips to the “home row.” Errr…too geeky? Moving right along then…)
Fact: Most people who on-line date will look only as far as you photo before messaging you. How do I know this? Because I get oodles of messages to the tune of “how r u doing” or form letters that reference nothing from my “awesome” profile (and I will get to just how “awesome” my profile is soon). Also, I have two profiles, with different written description and different photos, and I have received messages from the same guy to both profiles. Fools! Consider the following:
- For those of you who are solely fixated on finding a good-looking mate, the importance lies in having a great photo. So, I suggest if you don’t have any good pictures lying around, to dish out $50-$100 for some professional photographs. Those professional guys definitely know a thing or two about making you look great in still art.
- For the rest of you who are not interested in “just another good looking guy/gal”, you need to spend some time on the written description. In writing about yourself, you have to deviate from the standard, bare your soul, inspire and intrigue, and make people think: “this guy/chick sounds awesome.” If you do this, you will not only get replies, but you will get replies from your “target audience”, if such thing applies to on-line dating.
In my opinion, online dating is not about going out/going through anybody that may come your way, and eliminating them one by one (screening-out). I’m of opinion that it’s about ensuring the right people are messaging you (screening-in.) More on my theory of how “Dating is like Recruiting” in a future post.
Before I get into sample good/bad profiles, here’s a story. I was on PoF a few weeks ago – “doing some research” for the blog. As usual, while you’re active in your session, you get a few messages from guys who are checking out the members that are ONLINE NOW section. So, this dude messages me:
Guy: “how r u doing 2day”
(Keep in mind that this is an e-mail message, not an IM). Right off, I was not only turned off by his style of writing, but also by his profile, which was the generic “new on here, looking to meet some cool people, no drama, etc.” accompanied by a picture of his biceps. I instantly disqualified him as a potential mate, and deleted his message.
Alas, this fish was tenacious, and so he messaged me again. This time, the subject of his message is:
“why r u so mean?”
Feeling snarky and sarcastic, I proceeded to have the following exchange with him:
Me: “because you are only interested in what I look like, and can’t spell”
Guy: “you are being too picky.”
Me: “I’m perfectly happy with that.”
Guy (which got him blocked): “you shouldn’t be, with a nose like that. You should consider getting a nose job”.
(I interject here to say that I’ve had insecurities about my nose since I was 14, and have only gotten over them in the last 2-3 years, so I really couldn’t be bothered with guys who say sh*t like that.)
The purpose of my preamble is to illustrate for you what goes on the “back-end” when a guy message a girl. Keep in mind that I have always been very finicky about the guys I date. At one point, my “guy wish list” included 30 must-haves. I also think writing this blog made me even more picky and judgmental, since I actually have to analyze the losers I am fortune enough to meet. I digress (as always.)
So, along with having a kick-ass profile is the necessity of knowing what your ‘end-goal’ is:
- If you only want others to message you because you look GREAT, then stop at having a great picture.
- If you want people to message you because you sound great from your profile, then photos matters relatively less than what you write
I already mentioned that I have 2 on-line profiles. On my first profile, I answered the generic questions that PoF and other sites recommend: likes/dislikes, favourite activities/music, etc. and attached some really great photos of me. My 2nd profile (to be revealed in future post), I took the time to write a profile that truly reflects myself. Initially, I even thought about not putting up a picture, but since everyone judges the book by its cover, I ended up a “so-so” photo. Mind you, I think that photo is great, but it does make my nose look big 
November 11th, 2009 - 17:50
From my inquiries with female friends on dating sites, they get quite a few messages despite having sub-par photos or bland profiles. It takes little effort for a woman because men are always on the prowl on dating sites. It’s the social norm for males to initiate conversations so it’s common for women to receive cut and paste messages or boring ones.
It’s definitely no excuse to send boring messages but I’m guilty of sending what I consider to be boring messages. It’s just something that happens once in a while because on the other side of the fence men have to look at really boring profiles. Answering the generic questions to help fill out a profile is not really a lot to initiate a conversation but it’s better than some profiles I’ve read. The worst are the ones that describe nothing about who she is but only about what she does not want in a guy. It’s a pessimistic impression and not very attractive no matter how great the pics are.
In an ideal world, both parties would initiate with a decent message that shows interest by showing he/she has read the profile and would like to get to know more about the person. Unfortunately, the women I talk to about their experiences are extremely picky and won’t respond to generally nice profiles after reading a message with genuine intention to get to know her. It can be a little reason that causes instant message deletion. I think it’s a side effect of having too much choice on these dating sites. There’s not much effort required other than decent pictures and maybe a semi-informative profile.
And a guy that sends a second message saying, “why r u so mean?” is definitely a “nice” guy. These are actually frustrated chumps that have given up on writing long first messages because they figure all women are just going to look at the pic. It’s truly a sad sight.
I’m still not sure if this post is directed towards men or women or both genders. In the end, I think men have to write more sincere messages and women just have to take a chance (since they’re not the ones breaking the ice).
November 12th, 2009 - 10:33
You make good points Tim. With on-line dating, you can’t really let your ego get in the way. For e.g., if you message 10 girls, and only 1 of them responds, then don’t get “upset.” This ‘would’ work the same way for girls, but I know a lot of girls do not take a pro-active approach in on-line dating (they wait for guys to do the messaging.) This is so because traditionally, it’s the guys that are ’supposed’ to make the 1st move.
Also, unfortunately, ours is a society that judges the book by its cover, and as “traditional” ways of meeting people are disappearing, this problem will probably get worse before it gets better. Of course, this is coupled with the insecurity and fraud that takes place on the Internet.
Things to keep in mind, that no matter what the responses or lack thereof that you get, you have to be resilient. BUT, lack of responses, or lack of quality in responses is certainly not a reason to lower your own standards in profile/message writing. In the end, girls/guys will get exhausted by meeting guys/girls that only talk about what they DO NOT want in a mate, and the good profiles will stand a chance. Does this make sense? I speak from experience here: as I continued to do the on-line dating thing, I got less and less patient with so-so profiles, and only focused on the people with great profiles. Yes, that diminished the pool significantly, but the results I got were that much better!
November 17th, 2009 - 09:09
second part svp?