I’m ready! Promotion!
See:Spongebob Squarepants - I'm ready! Promotion! video for the background on title of this post.
Because I'm coupled off, I'm no longer qualified to write the How to be single blog. So, I've promoted myself (because I can) to Creative Director and Editor-in-chief . I've also found a successor - who will carry the Single torch henceforth - until she too (hopefully) finds that special someone. Her name is Veronika, and I'll let her introduce herself in her first post. I trust that you will be in good hands with her.
Please note that I edit/approve all posts, to ensure continued dedication to the English language and sarcastic humour. If you got beef, e-mail me at: howtobesingle@gmail.com. I'll admit I've forgotten my log-in credentials for that account, but any e-mails received should generally forward to my "real" gmail account. Take care all, and enjoy Veronika (no, not literally, you creeps!)
SPECIAL ADDENDUM to A picture is worth < 1000 words…: the replies
This is an addendum to the 3-part series: the replies. I’ve only kept record of few of the replies I got, but they are the good ones. Here they are, alongside my (mostly snarky) replies.
(from a dude who was 54 and in a relationship)
A poem girl from Ottawa
So sexy and so fair
Would you love to be stimulated orally
By a sensuous man with no hair
Bald guys are people too
They make their skills soooo divine
Seeking a maiden for intimacy
Someone special someone fine
I love to please and kiss so soft
I love to satisfy my lover
I am attached but seeking pleasure
To give to someone other…
My snarky reply:
Though with your reply you do thoroughly impress,
Your proposition lacks in value, honestly I confess.
You seem like a nice chap,
But between us there is an age gap;
However, with others girls, I wish you much success.
Others, who either didn’t bother to read my profile or least compose a grammatically-correct response, received the following:
Quite honestly, as your inquest might imply,
To impress me, you couldn't be bothered to try.
If you've read my profile,
You will find it worthwhile;
To put some thought into you reply.
The best reply I received came from a guy who is an English teacher. However, I had to coerce the reply out of him, since originally, he claimed that he couldn’t come up with anything half as original as my profile. But, when I saw that creative writing was one of his interests, I told him I wasn’t buying. My criticism produced the following reply:
You're very demanding!
Alright, here goes *Ahem*...
A young knight of valorous fame,
From the lair of a great dragon came.
His armour once white,
Now charred from his fight,
But his head still attached through the flames.
He had walked paths of shadow and fire,
Emerging unscathed, though quite tired.
Settling down did he seek,
A fair woman to speak,
With assets which he could admire.
He strode into a bar in some town,
A young maiden 'cross the room stared him down.
She had fiery hair,
And, oh, quite the pair…
Of glimm'ring green orbs 'neath her crown.
"Good evening, my lady," he said,
And beside her placed the dragon's great head.
Curling her lip, she eyed,
The beast's ugly, scaled hide,
"Oh, don't worry," he said, "it's quite dead."
She didn't doubt that such was the case,
But the grimace remained 'cross her face.
"A rose would have sufficed,
For a rather nice tryst,"
And the knight appeared rather disgraced.
He swept the head away with a shrug,
Producing instead a great mug.
"A drink then?" he asked,
Handing the lady a flask,
And soon they both lay upon the rug.
(Unfortunately, things didn’t go anywhere with this chap.)
A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part III
OK – I’ve kept you waiting long enough for the final installment of this 3-part series: my profile. A short preamble before I reveal to you my masterpiece. During the latter 5 months of my on-line presence (specifically, on PoF), I had 2 profiles: one adhered strictly to the boring suggestions by PoF – about me, about him, aspirations/goals, favourites; and a second one – which was completely “me”. The idea to write an original profile came from my friend Robert, mixed in with my affinity for writing limericks, which I’ve been doing somewhat consistently for friends’ birthdays.
For those of you who don’t know what a limerick is, here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia article on “Limerick (poetry)”… in limerick format:
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
In space that is quite economical
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the cleans ones so seldom are comical
(Anonymous)
And now my profile…
A 5-part limerick
A young maiden from Ottawa once sought,
A thing that often cannot be bought.
A love so true, so rare,
More than a casual affair,
From a knight who a valiant battle had fought.
By all accounts, the maiden was very fair,
Confident, smart, with brown-reddish hair.
Her eyes green like a precious stone,
She had presence, fit for the throne,
And soft touch, that could lay your soul bare
In her match, she desired a respectful soul,
With good character, a job, and a life goal.
Funny, he should be,
And punctual to a tee;
Who sees beyond a video-games control.
Long walks on the beach are too cliché,
Perhaps a picnic in the park, or a shared sorbet!
Thoughtful acts aplenty,
For a damsel so dainty;
Perhaps, too, an occasional red-rose bouquet.
As dictate the principles of limerick-writing,
The piece aforesaid, can be more "exciting".
So the maiden - a lively coquette,
Who enjoys a lengthy romp in the bed,
Asserts that her mate she will be delighting!
A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part II
My newfound love is one of the inspirations for this article. However, another major inspiration was my friend and personal mentor – Robert – who has recently became engaged to a lovely lady he’d met online just 5 months ago. In fact, they are getting married in December. Some of you are probably thinking “Fools!” but, to those who know them, it’s quite clear that it’s a match made by Gods themselves (perhaps by Neptune, since they met on Plenty of Fish.)
Some background information: I had been trying to convince Robert to try online dating for years. But, he didn’t do it. “I’m not ready,” he claimed over and time again. Finally, in May 09, he ‘became’ ready. Easier said than done! Robert painstakingly and tirelessly worked on his profile, to ensure that it was representative of his true self – and this process took (too) much time. During the – oh probably 2 weeks – he solicited the feedback of his family and friends, on everything from the perfect screen name to photos to the description.
Finally (finally!) in June, he released his masterpiece on PoF. Before I reveal his profile to you (with his permission), I will confess that, had I been perusing his profile, I would have never messaged him. I just don’t ‘get it.’ But, that is exactly what his intent was: to ensure that only people who “got it” messaged him. In fact, some women e-mailed Robert stating “I don’t understand your profile.” Well, too bad for them, I say!
So, the lesson of this post is: make your profile your own.
Profile of Eloquent Woodman:
Interests
outdoors canoeing hiking
teaching philosophy spirituality
music yoga massage
cooking entertaining red wine
campfires thunderstorms poetry
travel trail biking writing
books movies cuddling
live theatre art galleries sushi
family friends deep conversations
About Me
I'm an ambivert with an energizing job. My life makes a difference.
I'll tease your brain and I don't come in a box. I'm kind of
refreshing and unexpected because I'm yours to discover but there's
always more to me.
I think a lot and I feel a lot. I choose the few over the many, and I
have my doubts about certainty. I'm wrong about a lot of things, but
I'm open to the possibility that I might be wrong about that too. I
learn more that way and have more fun, because it hurts to be
constipated. (When that happens, I eat chocolate.)
I like relaxing in the evenings and recharging on vacations. I spend
time writing, speaking, and teaching. I lead people in creative ways
and I am trusted to develop the somewhat young and impressionable in a
variety of settings. I love people by seeing the unique possibilities
within them. (If your mom and dad really love you, or if you have a
best friend who totally believes in you, you know what I'm talking
about.) I make my own music and I'll fool around on the piano and let
the emotions flow.
Creativity and playfulness are big turn-ons for me. I find women that
confidently and naturally show their strength and smarts are
particularly sexy. I admire breadth, depth, balance, integrity and a
sense of history. My family and friends are very important to me. I'm
a fan of cuddling, and I ardently embrace the unexpected options.
(Sometimes I do let opportunity knock a while though, but it's 'cause
I'm in the shower.)
I need to get dirty and I need to clean up. I'm into both town and
country. I live for today with a general direction for tomorrow. I
change my plans not my character. I dress up and I dress down. I like
nature, culture, have high standards in cooking, and I think eating
healthy tastes best.
I am adventurous and spontaneous, but I believe in boundaries and
limits. I hope you have some intelligent ones, as I'm attracted to
people who respect themselves. I like pie crusts, nuts, vegetables and
potatoes, but I'll never ask for a second helping of flaky, crazy,
dumb or lazy. I like responses that dare to be different and emphasize
brain over boob. It's not about length: let me know I've struck a
chord by attempting to pluck one of your own. That way, we don't waste
our time stringing each other along.
Are you a stream of consciousness?
You have a fairy godmother.
You approve of semicolons, compound sentences and appropriate capitalization.
You are artistic, synergistic, optimistic and uber-califragilistic. (Jawohl!)
You are musical, whimsical, historical, sexual, ecumenical and biodegradable.
Your rejection of "starved to perfection" makes you a wiser exerciser.
You prefer organically grown and also orgasmically groan.
You can take a hike.
You're good for the planet and you're good for me.
Like a river, are you elemental? Always true to yourself; not watered
down. Now ebulliently energetic; now deep and still. Here a gentle
trickle; there a powerful rush. Warm. Cool. Breathtaking. Always
refreshing. I like your hidden dangers, your twists and turns, but you
can't be about meaningless forking or hooking up.
As Catwoman and Selina Kyle, are you deeper than a puddle, more
powerful than a logical motive, faster than speeding bullshit? Do you
stand for truth, justice and the Canadian way? Could you handle
someone who deeply understood you without ever actually being able to
do so, challenged you, never let you get away with it, had depth,
intensity, serenity and character and a hot ass and was maybe the kind
of person your mom warned you about while also secretly being in
favour of?
I'm looking for a woman who will bring out the absolute best in me and
I'll do the same for her. I need it all, sometimes both of us going
zoom-zoom, sometimes one fast, the other slow, sometimes you,
sometimes me, sometimes we lie still under the stars and listen to
your heartbeat. You could be the one -- or one of the ones -- a number
ten gale on the Beaufort Scale. I'd spend an eternal moment in the
silent anticipation of your softest breath. Hit me like a force of
nature, or blow me away with whispered depth and strength.
P.S. The Beaufort is a 12 point scale, so you only need to be an 8.3.
First Date
I'm focused on finding a soul-to-soul match for the long-term, because
that's where the real excitement and fulfillment is. I don't care how
much hair I have to climb (Rapunzel), how many beauties I have to kiss
(God give me strength!), or how many witches, trolls and goblins are
involved (they make for good stories). Along the way, I'm into having
fun and being playful and making some new friends by helping them get
a better idea of who they are and what they want (without charming the
pants off them).
Boldness earns my respect. Flakiness and hesitation are your
subconscious saying you're not right for me. If most of your physical
activity takes place within your digestive system, I won't be able to
keep up with you. And most importantly, if you believe a first date is
a long-term relationship, then the voices in your head are telling you
that you're MUCH too good for me! Listen to them! (I'm pretty sure
every woman on this site could recommend guys who would be PERFECT for
you.)