How to be single The experiential dating advice blog

Starts with “E”, and rhymes with “Direction” – Part 3 of 3

(READER’S DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED)

Clearly, with Bruce leading the way, we weren’t going anywhere, so I took charge and started heading towards where my car was parked. Perplexed by the change in our course, Bruce asked where I had parked my car. I pointed, and said: “My car is in this direction.”

I was unaware that I had said something wrong, until he asked me if I knew what I had just said. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about; when he pointed out I had said the word “erection.” I was so confused, and flustered, and started emphatically proclaiming that I definitely said “direction”. Bruce suggested that it must’ve been a Freudian slip, but I honestly didn’t see how that could be since I had clearly said what I said, though perhaps the "d" was somewhat silenced because I looked away when I spoke. He then proceeded to ask if I knew what a Freudian slip is in a somewhat condescending tone. When I said “yes”, he wasn’t satisfied, and so he promptly provided me with the dictionary definition of the term. I realize now that he was trying to be funny, but since I was very uneasy about the situation even prior to the non-Freudian slip, I didn’t find it very funny.

I guess he didn’t realize just how uncomfortable I was feeling, so he asked me if I knew what an erection was. Trying to be funny, I said “no”… and realized that it was a big mistake, when he started to define the word. By now, I really wanted to get away from Bruce ASAP… and I was also tired and uncomfortable.

As we walked towards my car, he started to talk again… By then, my body seemed to have developed a natural response for tuning Bruce’s talking out, which was quite fine with me. I faked interest. When I finally glimpsed my car, I never felt happier…. but Bruce was not done talking. For some reason he felt the need to share (and this is where it gets even more disturbing) that every (sports) game he plays he gets hit in his privates and, as a result, needs to wear a cup. I was mildly surprised to learn this, as I thought that wearing a jockstrap was a requirement for all sports. Then, Bruce began to list all the sports he plays and all the times he had been hit in his… you know.

Wait… this gets even more bizarre. All of a sudden, Bruce did a complete 180, and started explaining to me that it was important for women to perform regular breast self-exams, to detect any lumps early. Though I strongly felt that this was an inappropriate conversation for a 1^st date, I explained to Bruce that I’ve recently had a physical, and that he shouldn’t worry. BUT, he was not appeased by this answer. He insisted that it was important for me to do exams because I know my body best. He also mentioned that if “I didn’t feel comfortable doing it I should have my boyfriend do it for me”. Pardon if I find that an odd comment, coming from a guy I am on a date with. Was he offering?...WTF!

I turned, keys in hand, oh-so-ready to leave, and was suddenly startled by what I thought was a lady walking a big black dog, which turned out to be two girls. Bruce then seriously said: “Well, we don’t know them. They well could be bitches.” I was stunned; I couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. Bruce was quick to explain to me (oh goody!) that a bitch is a female dog. Once again in hindsight, I realize that he had tried to make a joke…

After the dog incident, Bruce flawlessly resumed the “chest conversation” as if nothing had happened. He was trying to point out that if I ever decided to go to paintball with him, that I would need to wear a chest pad, because any hits from the paintball can cause temporary lumps on my breasts that could be mistaken for something else. He then also suggested that I check out YouTube and watch an instructional video on breast self-exams, noting that those videos aren’t only for horny teenage boys; that they are quite informative.

And that’s when the night finally ended. I politely informed him that I had a good time but the date had to come to an end eventually (but was thinking I wish it had ended oh so long ago). He asked if I wanted to hang out with him the next night. As I already had plans, I didn’t have to lie right there and then. But, I was quite anxious to get away from Bruce… just as fast as my winter tires would get me out of there.

So, my dear dating folks, my advice here is:  don’t date. Just kidding…. But if you’re a guy, please don’t have any conversations I described above on a first date. Also if you’re a girl… RUN away and carry a cell phone.  I know realize why Bruce’s profile mentioned that his friends would describe him as... a great paintball target.

After the date, I spent a lot of time pondering the weirdness of it. I have yet to share with you what happened in the aftermath of the date - look for it in the next article. Needless to say, if I had any thoughts about seeing Bruce again - what happened afterwards definitely set me straight. I will share this with you in my next post. I will also share with you how to tell someone that you're not interested, in a way that is not offensive, but will definitely get the message across.