How to be single The experiential dating advice blog

… Part 2 of 3: 100 questions to ask a man before making an emotional commitment

Before I launch into the “meaty” part of this post, I'll provide some background: In the past while, I’ve been indulging in something I like to call: introspection, extrospection, and retrospection. In layman’s term’s, it’s called self-analysis. In doing so, I noticed a somewhat disturbing trend: I tend to “emotionally commit”  to a guy, before realizing that he has the sort of deal breakers that ought to make me run in the opposite direction once they are in the open. Let's define what I mean by "emotional commitment":

Emotional commitment: it is the turning point in your relationship beyond which you’re willing to fight to save the relationship rather than give up on it.

So, I began to contemplate how to unearth deal breakers of a potential mate, prior to emotionally committing to him. The difficulty herein is that – habitually – it takes time to get to know someone; it’s a gradual process. Consequently, the longer it takes to learn about someone, the greater the probability that I will have emotionally committed to that guy before the deal breakers are revealed. Let's be honest here: we only show our good sides during the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship.

Allow me to provide a concrete example of this emotional commitment problem: the last guy I dated was a smoker. I am so against smoking, that I usually don’t even consider going on a first date with a smoker. However, in this situation, the fact that he smoked was revealed on Date 2 – by then, we had already had 1 ½ great dates. Furthermore, during this 2^nd date, he was convincingly adamant of his intent to quit. So, I decided to give him a chance.  He never did quit, and that was definitely one of the major reasons for our breakup.

To segue [pronounced: sey-gwey or seg-wey] back to Darryl, I had come up with this emotional commitment theory shortly before going on date(s) with him. Therefore, he was the perfect guinea pig for my solution to this problem. The solution, hereby to be known as my chef d’oeuvre, is:

100 Questions to Ask a Man Before Making an Emotional Commitment

Now, administering these questions (see below) can be a tricky manner. This was especially difficult as a first instance of this exercise (which I intend to continue.) In fairness to Darryl, I warned him about it, and actually asked him to come up with 100 questions to ask me. I also was completely honest with him as to why I was doing it.

So, we did it (NO, we didn’t actually do it) across multiple dates, sitting across from one another, and firing questions at each other in a staccato manner. In hindsight, I'd say it's best to deliver these questions in a more indirect way, worked into the flow of the "get to know you" conversation. However, whatever the deliver you choose, you MUST NOT lose sight of the goal of this exercise. Therefore, I at the very least, suggest having a concrete set of questions.

DISCLAIMER: below you will find my 100 questions that I intend to ask men before making the repeatedly aforementioned “emotional commitment”. Not all of the questions are deal breakers; in fact only about 10% are, and they are cleverly disguised. If you choose to engage in a similar exercise, I urge you to do some personal reflection and figure out what questions to ask, that would reveal potential deal breakers. Without further ado... enjoy!

100 Questions to Ask a Man Before Making an Emotional Commitment.

General

1. How many times have you been in love?
2. What is your best characteristic?
3. What is your worst characteristic (as cited by girls that have broken up with you)?
4. What is the most hurtful thing someone has ever said to you?
5. Have you ever been angry enough to get into a physical fight?
6. Do you make friends easily?
7. What are you doing now that will help you achieve your long-term goals?
8. What is the best gift you’ve ever given?
9. What is the best gift you’ve ever received?
10. What are characteristics are you looking for in a partner? Name 5.
11. What is your favorite Disney movie?
12. How do you feel about PDA’s? To what extent? (i.e. hand-holding, kissing, making out, dry-humping, etc.)
13. Do you like to dance?
14. Would you ever take dance lessons?
15. When was the last time you got piss drunk?
16. Do you think you have a good sense of style?
17. Favourite clothing brand & store?
18. Do you like hosting parties/dinners?
19. Do you play video games? If ‘yes’ how much?
20. What is your “type”?
21. Are you a leader or a follower?
22. Does it matter what your family/friends think of the person you’re dating?
23. How much do you care about others’ opinion (non just in matters of dating)?
24. Do you have a best friend(s)?
25. Do you like camping?
26. Do you get jealous?
27. Would you do “anything” for love?
28. Do you watch: The Simpsons? Family Guy? Trailer Park Boys? Real Life?
29. What is the worst thing you’ve ever done while in a relationship?
30. Do you spit in public?
31. Do you consider yourself a good driver? (i.e. do you tailgate?)
32. Do you floss?
33. Do you generally have good or bad breath?
34. Do you go for regular physical exams?
35. What is your creative outlet?
36. Do you like learning new things?
37. What’s your definition of compromise?
38. Do you recycle/compost?
39. Do you like costume parties?
40. How do you feel about yourself?
41. Do you consider yourself a romantic? What’s the most romantic gesture you’ve ever made?
42. Which do you prefer: big spoon or small spoon?
43. How many employers have you had in the last 10 years?
44. Do you have a criminal record? Have you ever been arrested?
45. How many girls have you lived with?
46. Have you ever seen a psychiatrist/psychologist for any issues in the past?
47. Have you/would you ever consider living/working in a different city and/or country?
48. What is your favourite book?
49. What’s your biggest fear?
50. Do you believe that there’s only one person for everyone out there, or we can make it work with different people, in different ways?
51. Do you ever have trouble expressing your feelings?
52. What irritates you?
53. What is the nicest thing someone’s ever said to you?

Family:

1. Do you have a history of any diseases or illnesses in your family?
2. Who is your role model?
3. Are your grandparents still alive?
4. How many kids do you want (ideally)?
5. What’s your favourite childhood memory?
6. Do you remember your when are parents’ birthdays?
7. How did your parents meet?
8. Do your parents ever fight?
9. Do you give money to charity, or do any charitable work?

Lifestyle:

1. How do you feel about health and fitness?
2. Do you respond to nagging or encouragement?
3. How would you describe your cleanliness: are you OCD clean? Very clean, moderately clean, or just whatever? (Explain difference between clean and tidy here. Good follow on question is: how often do you dust, clean your bathroom, sweep/vacuum)
4. What does your room look like right now?
5. Do you like to travel? Where would you like to travel to?
6. How much do you love money? (Alternate question: what, to you, is “enough” money?)
7. Do you have any savings?
8. How do you feel about debt?
9. Have you ever done hard drugs?
10. Do you make up your bed in the morning?
11. Do you clean the toilet bowl?
12. Do you like the arts?
13. Do you ever go to the NAC for performances; if yes, what kinds?
14. Have you ever been fired from a job?
15. Do you budget?
16. Have you ever filed for bankruptcy? Would you ever?
17. If you lost all your possessions today, how would you feel? What would you do?

Values:

1. Do you believe in marriage?
2. What are your feelings towards living together before marriage?
3. What are your feelings towards divorce?
4. How necessary is it for the person you marry to take on your last name?
5. Have you ever stolen money?
6. What is the most “ethical” thing you’ve ever done?

Sex-related:

1. What are you thoughts towards safe sex? Have you ever had unprotected sex?
2. Have you ever worn/or had the urge to wear women’s lingerie?
3. Have you ever had sex (of any kind) with another man?
4. Do you have any non-standards sexual fetishes?
5. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like blowjobs?
6. How many sexual partners have you had in the past?
7. Hold old were you when you first had sex?
8. Have you ever had a 3-some, or more?
9. Have you ever gotten a girl pregnant (that you know of)?
10. How often do you think is “normal” to have sex in a relationship?
11. Do you watch porn?
12. Have you ever paid for sex?
13. Have you ever filmed a sex act which you were part of? If yes, can I see it?
14. Have you ever had any STIs? Do you get tested often?
15. How many one-night-stands have you had?