The Surge of the Supreme Suburbanite
I’ve recently, on two separate occasions, had the misfortune to come face-to-face with a new type of man: The Supreme Suburbanite. Before I get into trouble with my male readers, I’d like to disclaim that this title can (and does) also apply to women. The basic definition of a Supreme Suburbanite is: “a home body with tight schedule.” It is important to distinguish that not all Suburbanites are Supreme; but all Supreme Suburbanites are, in fact, Suburbanites. There also exist Supreme Downtowners, which I confess I am.
I further illustrate this concept of The Supreme Suburbanite (SS) in the typical fashion: with a story.
I began talking to Sam on OKCupid (new mating ground!) sometime in early March. I was instantly drawn to his online persona: he seemed funny, quirky, and light-hearted. So, I initiated contact. We exchanged lengthy and detailed e-mails over about 5 weeks, mainly due to the fact that I was on vacation in an area not consistently serviced by Internet for 2.5 of those weeks.
For those of you who’ve been following my blog since inception, you’ll know that I’m not normally a big fan of prolonging the online relationship, favoring instead exchanging the basics, and then taking it offline to see if there’s chemistry there. Sam wasn’t forthcoming with the invite to meet outside Internet, so I suggested it.
Up until that point, there were only few minor flags about Sam; flags that I was choosing to ignore because of their triviality and my friends’ insistence that these were ‘normal things.’ Like the fact that Sam expressed that he was content with his Government job, and would likely stay with the Government for the entirety of his career. (Apparently it’s not uncommon amongst my peers to want some sort of job security! What a strange concept!) And the fact that he was an introvert, and as such diametrically opposed to my extreme extroversion. However, these were not deemed deal breakers, and thus I suggested we meet up later on in the week, and quoted my availability to be on Wednesday and Thursday evenings.
This is when Sam chose to reveal himself as the Supreme Suburbanite that he was. His response to me was:
Him: “We'll have to work with our schedules a bit. I don't generally go out during the week because it means I have to drive back into the city (since I live in Orleans). So if we did meet during the week it would have to be super early like 3:30pm. I work really early hours, so I'm usually up at 5:00am (which means an early bedtime!) My preference would be on a weekend, maybe early afternoon on a Saturday?”
Before we get any further, if you’re not from Ottawa, substitute Orleans for another suburb that’s within a 15-min drive of the downtown core, and away we go!
When I read this message initially, I laughed and shook my head in dismay. I re-read his response a few times, to make sure I understood it properly. I mean, who do you know that’s available for a date at 3:30pm on a weekday? Granny?!?!
After thinking about it some more, I proceeded to informally poll my friends to see if I was being unnecessarily mean-spirited. I really wanted to be wrong about Sam.
Now, one friend of mine in particular (Male friend), usually berates me for making superficial judgments about people based on statements similar to these. In an attempt to give Sam the benefit of the doubt, I consulted Male friend about the above message, since – not only is he a …well … male – he also lives in this “Orleans”.
Male friend: Are you instantly drawn to him, with all other practicalities aside?
Me: I suppose yes. I wouldn't have messaged him otherwise.
Male friend: So what are you unsure about?
Me: I am unsure about this: <insert text above here>
***Pause***
Male friend: Does that schedule generally work for you?
Male friend: LOL.
I live in Orleans.
Like it's so far. K.
Case closed.
Don't reply. The end. Or like have one random extremely time-specific date and not continue
I live in Orleans. To say downtown is too far is fucking pathetic. Pass on this idiot. […]
…and complementary personalities are okay. But like: “I can only meet on Saturday mornings? That's already a stance. That just clashes with you. That's a practical stance I mean, versus just ideological.
Me: do you have anything else to add?
Male friend: don't know that there's much else to say. Clearly his life is closed off and he's content with being restrictive.
It is my opinion that there is nothing wrong with living the suburbs. In fact, if you’re tired for the constant drunken brawls at all hours of the day that go hand-in-hand with downtown living, then suburbs are in fact a great place to be. In addition, in Ottawa, it’s the only place people (couples, families) with a cumulative income below <$150K can afford to buy property. However, what’s not right is thinking ‘a downtown’ is like the Lost City of Atlantis. Inconceivable, and most certainly, cannot be traveled to, unless on a special discovery mission.
To make this worse, if this was an isolated incident, I wouldn’t have written about it. It just so happened, that I went on a date this past Saturday with someone else, who – first of all, was 10 minutes late because he didn’t know where downtown was; and second of all, didn’t even know what Bridgehead was (for out-of-townies, it’s a local coffee house chain, with multiple locations; some even within a 10 km radius of the downtown). And no, this guy didn’t just move to Ottawa.
Folks! This is why Google (Maps) exists!
Anyways, back to Sam. In the end, even though I really wanted to go on a date with him, and tell him face-to-face that he was close-minded, irrational, and quite frankly OLD, so I just didn’t want to waste his or my time. So, I replied with an honest:
“I'm not sure there's any point to it. It seems that we have opposite schedules…I've twice been in relationships with people who had a schedule completely opposite to mine, and it just doesn't work.
He thanked me for my honestly, wished me luck, and I’ve never heard from him again.
Letters from Across the Pond: “He took. It out.”
For those of you who didn't religiously watch Sienfield in the 90's, or were to young to 'get it', here's the clip which basically explains what happened on this date: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1Vm8VLj5dQ.
Yesterday, I get the following Facebook message from my friend:
"While on a date last night my date sent me a picture of his penis from the toilet.
I left before he got back. I thought you'd appreciate that little gem...
What would you have done?
P.S. I've declared a moratorium on dating for the rest of the month."
Like I said, they're not all Prince William over there either.
New blog feature: “Letters from Across the Pond”
Dear readers, howtobesingle here. You'll be happy to hear that I'm all but set for coming out of my dating retirement, and have a few juicy stories already lined up for you. However, in the next little while, I'd like to share with you a few dating stories from a female friend, who currently lives in the UK. She is quite active on the London dating scene and has been regaling me with dating stories that have made me laugh (a bit) and cry (mostly) for about two years. If you've been wondering "what's wrong with men/women in Canada?", then wonder no more you will. As she tells it, it's not all Prince William and Kate Middleton over there either. I'll post account of her most recent adventure in a short while. Then, you can expect sporadic "Letters from Across the Pond" posts going forward.