The people my magnet attracts (part 3… the final chapter)
Dear readers, I’ve now shared with you a couple of stories showing how I attract the crazies and the married folk. Now, I’d like to delve into how to spot/avoid/deal with getting into such traps (if you want to call them that), in this final part of this saga. Keep in mind that these are from my personal experience and are greatly generalized (I’m not talking about YOU, Mr. Perfect-Boyfriend-Material sitting behind your computer screen getting all riled up).
“Two Can Dine” menu (a.k.a. the taken ones):
Taken men are generally looking for something to spice up their now monogamous and seemingly mundane lives. When dealing with a man who’s already in a relationship, HANDLE WITH CAUTION. Whether you know about the significant other or not, there are so many complicating factors. Men in this category are looking to supplement what their relationship is lacking with something you’re able to give them. Usually it’s the following: no pressure to say/do the “right” things, getting what they crave physically, or an emotional/mental understanding. In my case, I figure they’re looking for spice in the bedroom that they’re not getting at home, as I happen to be quite avant-garde in that department.
Signs to Look For:
- He’ll always suggest that you both hang out at your house and not his.
- All your time together has to be planned beforehand. If there’s ANY spontaneity, he’ll initiate it but won’t take you up on your offers to randomly get together.
- You don’t meet his friends or family. If you do meet friends, it’s only a select few of his very closest ones.
- There’s hardly ever any physical contact while in public (exception being if he’s in a long distance relationship where “she” can’t just walk by unexpectedly)
All of these things, while singularly are not something to get overly worried about, when happening from the same man, should give off a fishy odour.
Boundaries:
The boundaries are pretty easy to figure out in this case. Either you’re OK with it or you’re not. If you’re not, run – don’t walk – as fast as you can. If you know about his partner (don’t judge, folks) then you need to prepare yourself to deal with the following:
- No late night texting or calling
- No overtly sexual messages left anywhere that is accessible to his partner
- You’re always on his schedule
- He already has a girlfriend so he’s not going to take on your problems when you feel emotional and needy
- He will NEVER leave her for you. Never. If nothing else, this is the most important thing to remember.
Mad Cow Disease (a.k.a the crazies):
These men are usually looking for “The One” and don’t care what they have to do to get her… in fact, they don’t really care who she is.
Now, the men who are crazy never really show their poker hand until you’ve already made an initial emotional commitment that is often very hard to break. So, you’ve already decided they’re good enough to go out with again. From their perspective, they’re preserving the species so, really, it’s a good evolutionary move. If only they could keep being normal and eschew their slightly psychotic sides! I’ve come to the conclusion that these men are searching hard for their soul mates and don’t really care whom they get: they’ll shave that square peg until it fits snugly into the round hole (Hey! Mind out of the gutter!) Because of their need to find someone, they’ll do just about anything which comes off a bit manic to those of us who are casually floating through life.
Signs to Look For:
- They need to know where you are at any given time
- Unanswered texts, e-mails and phone calls are never sent without a slew of follow-ups (asking how you are, where you are, if you’re dead, what did you think of their last question, did you want to do something tonight, tomorrow, next week, the rest of your life?!)
- They’re insulted easily and get extremely upset by innocent actions or remarks
- When talking about a member of the opposite sex (even if it’s a long time friend), they become quiet, withdrawn, moody or lash out at you
They basically require 100% of your attention every day.
Boundaries:
It’s crucial that when you get an inkling that your relationship has taken on the sort of intensity you weren't looking for/aren't ready for, that you cut it off fast…unless you’re OK with it. You have to set up specific boundaries that you are comfortable with before you end up dealing with someone that feels slighted, then shows up at your door screaming about how they want to burn your house down with you in it. Make sure you outline exactly what you want in simple, easy-to-understand sentences so that there’s no confusion on their part. It's also recommended that these be outlined in both verbal and written forms. Some issues cannot be repeated enough.
The people my magnet attracts (part 2)
Like I said in part 1 of this multi-part post, the other type of people who fancy me are already taken. That is, they are already dating, engaged or married. Strangely, though I have not been able to wrap my head around this phenomenon, I have come to accept it. However, in no way do I condone it. I understand that breaking up is hard to do (and blah, blah, blah) and that sometimes - while your relationship is good overall - there might be something lacking elsewhere. However, I’m not entirely sure why you would stay in a relationship you weren’t happy in and where you needed validation, in whatever form, from someone else.
I first observed that I seem to attract already attached mates shortly after my first serious relationship went south faster than the blue-haired folk when the frost comes, when I quickly became – to put it lightly – like a cat in heat. There was no way I was going to take time to mourn the loss of a relationship that should’ve been over before it even began. I was very young and definitely new to the world of being single (we had been together for over 3 years) so I took any opportunity that was given to me to have… well… all kinds of ridiculously irresponsible fun.
Enter Chester. Chester was a friend of my ex’s, and we had always hit it off swimmingly. Naturally, he was one of the first people I set my horny sights on. Although we didn’t know each other very well, we definitely had the kind of chemistry I was looking for at the time. We spent many nights taking turns sipping out of the same bottle of Jack’s, provocatively dancing with each other into the wee hours, always ending our evenings by engaging in the kinds of activities that would make the Pope blush (or, realistically, condemn us to the fiery reaches of Hell).
One night, I was out at a local dance club when I spotted Chester talking to an old acquaintance whom I hadn’t seen in 4 years! Excitedly, and drunkenly, I stumbled over to where the pair were standing and gave my long lost acquaintance a quick hug. He asked me what I had been doing and, without missing a beat, I replied: “Him!” pointing right at a shocked Chester. Chester looked around nervously while chuckling and asked me to keep it down lest his girlfriend hear me.
My jaw dropped (for different reasons than Chester was used to). Girlfriend?! What girlfriend?! Shocked (and rather upset that I clearly wasn’t going to get any that evening), I tucked my tail between my legs, made an excuse to leave, and slunk back into the crowd of overly happy movers and shakers. After that episode, I’ve taken to careful screening to ensure my playmates are single. But really, that’s not my job. Hence, I share with you my policy/advice on this matter: if you’re taken, keep your hose in your clothes. Same goes for the ladies, with minor adaptations to allow for differences in the anatomy.
The people my magnet attracts (part 1 of… the rest of my life)
It is with great pleasure that I share with you all that my dating magnet attracts the cream of the crop. I can’t make that sentence sound as sarcastic as it really should so I’m not even going to try. I’ve classified the men I meet and who are interested me in two categories: crazy and taken.
I’ll start with crazy because as I write this my cell phone has buzzed to let me know I’ve gotten a text message (Yay! I’m so popular!) from the newest “crazy” man I’ve encountered (Nooo! Not him!).
The circumstances of us meeting are typical of our generation. It seems that my award winning wit and charm came shining through on some photo comments and wall posts on a friend’s Facebook profile. After creeping through all of her photos, Sam asked to be my friend. Seeing which friend we have in common, I automatically accepted (while sending her a “Tell me about this Sam character” message) because if they’re friends of hers than they’ve got to be alright.
Sam and I start talking over Facebook and then eventually texts, as he lives 4 hours away. Despite his professed crush on my sweet personality and stunning beauty, I did tell him that I was ONLY looking for friendship. I outlined that I love being single, I don’t long distance date and that I was moving away in the fall to start college life (yay!). He claimed to understand but it started becoming clear that his and my definition of “friend” were from two completely opposite dictionaries.
As time (we’re talking only weeks, if not days) went on I was getting sappy poetry written about me, YouTube song links dedicated on his Facebook wall (and mine!) and texts saying “when we meet let’s get married”, all of which addressed me as one pet name or another (I’m convinced he didn’t know my name as he never used it). I nipped it in the bud and sent off a quick message saying that this was becoming too much for me to handle and that it was best if we cut all ties.
His reaction? Over the top, to say the least. He systematically deleted me from his life one social networking tool at a time, all the while sending me nasty, rude messages. I was told in no particular order: I was a terrible person, I set out to break his heart days before his birthday, I was cold-hearted, a tramp, and how not only was he happy about it but he thought I deserved every time a boyfriend had cheated on me. Not only that, he informed me that he never really liked me anyways (HA! I have several poems, a handful of love songs and a $20 incoming text bill that all say otherwise, bucko).
Two days later, I got an apology via text. It was clear he hadn’t expected me to stand my ground because my “I appreciate your apology but I do not and will not accept it” response was met with yet another tirade about how horrid I am. Talk to the hand because the face don’t wanna listen, Sam.
Introducing Randi…with an “i”
I'M SINGLE! Weeee! After a 2-year period of being "Sally Single" I had recently jumped into a relationship. Needless to say, I realized that I was better off not having done this, and so I jumped right back out. Who knows if it was him or me, either way it didn’t work so onwards and upwards! Being single, however, is not the only thing that makes me awesome. I’m a 22 year old humourous, kind-hearted, open, honest working gal living in this fair city of ours. After a 3-year hiatus from school - during which I was a full-time contributor to the EI fund - I’ll be heading back to college in the Fall! I’m sure a lot of stories will follow from my experiences with this big change so hold on to whatever hat adorns your head.
As for my singledom, I have an interesting take on dating and the other extracurricular activities that accompany such outings. I love to date, meet new people and have fun. This has led me on many dating adventures starring a plethora of one-date-wonders. I’ve been told by many friends that I “think like a stereotypical guy” in that my motto is: Get In, Get Off, Get Out. Although I bi-weekly threaten to bat for the other team, I love the opposite sex too much to make good on my word.
Underneath it all (now that Shakira song is stuck on repeat in my head) I’m still a hopeless romantic who believes that somewhere out there is a white knight on a tall steed ready to sweep me off my feet. Let me tell you, I’ve kissed a lot of toads trying to find that knight (or prince? ...either will do). Many of the following posts will be about these questionable choices as well as a few tips about the big bad dating world I’ve picked up along the way. Hope to keep you all entertained while at work... bonus points if you check out my tales at home!
Here I go again on my own
Dear readers... if there are any of you left out there... I have BIG news: my latest attempt at finding everlasting love has failed, and I am now, once again, single. That's right: S-I-N-G-L-E (according to Jeff Foxworthy, that stands for Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday. That was never really was me, except for that one time, in band camp...).
My breakup - while sad for me - should be great news for you, for it's a harbinger of the return of HOWTOBESINGLE.ca!!! Okay peeps, keep your pants on. I know you're all very excited. I'm quite excited as well, since in God's honest truth, I missed being single, and I missed writing about how hilariously miserable the dating world is. As I explained to my friends, I look forward to once again embarrassing myself, for the benefit of enjoyment of my friends.
Alas, I'm still licking my relationship wounds, and will probably not jump back into the sea of fish tomorrow. I forecast that September is when you can expect the first howtobesingle original. But, I won't leave you high and dry until then. I've recently recruited someone who is eager to share her experiences with you. I've also had the fortune to hear some amazing stories from my friends, about their attempts at finding true love. So, in the next few weeks, expect a post or two that are sure to get you salivating.
So, re-bookmark this blog, add it to your Google Reader, Tweet about it so that everyone knows...WE ARE BACK ON THE AIR!
Starts with “E”, and rhymes with “Direction” – Part 3 of 3
(READER’S DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED)
Clearly, with Bruce leading the way, we weren’t going anywhere, so I took charge and started heading towards where my car was parked. Perplexed by the change in our course, Bruce asked where I had parked my car. I pointed, and said: “My car is in this direction.”
I was unaware that I had said something wrong, until he asked me if I knew what I had just said. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about; when he pointed out I had said the word “erection.” I was so confused, and flustered, and started emphatically proclaiming that I definitely said “direction”. Bruce suggested that it must’ve been a Freudian slip, but I honestly didn’t see how that could be since I had clearly said what I said, though perhaps the "d" was somewhat silenced because I looked away when I spoke. He then proceeded to ask if I knew what a Freudian slip is in a somewhat condescending tone. When I said “yes”, he wasn’t satisfied, and so he promptly provided me with the dictionary definition of the term. I realize now that he was trying to be funny, but since I was very uneasy about the situation even prior to the non-Freudian slip, I didn’t find it very funny.
I guess he didn’t realize just how uncomfortable I was feeling, so he asked me if I knew what an erection was. Trying to be funny, I said “no”… and realized that it was a big mistake, when he started to define the word. By now, I really wanted to get away from Bruce ASAP… and I was also tired and uncomfortable.
As we walked towards my car, he started to talk again… By then, my body seemed to have developed a natural response for tuning Bruce’s talking out, which was quite fine with me. I faked interest. When I finally glimpsed my car, I never felt happier…. but Bruce was not done talking. For some reason he felt the need to share (and this is where it gets even more disturbing) that every (sports) game he plays he gets hit in his privates and, as a result, needs to wear a cup. I was mildly surprised to learn this, as I thought that wearing a jockstrap was a requirement for all sports. Then, Bruce began to list all the sports he plays and all the times he had been hit in his… you know.
Wait… this gets even more bizarre. All of a sudden, Bruce did a complete 180, and started explaining to me that it was important for women to perform regular breast self-exams, to detect any lumps early. Though I strongly felt that this was an inappropriate conversation for a 1st date, I explained to Bruce that I’ve recently had a physical, and that he shouldn’t worry. BUT, he was not appeased by this answer. He insisted that it was important for me to do exams because I know my body best. He also mentioned that if “I didn’t feel comfortable doing it I should have my boyfriend do it for me”. Pardon if I find that an odd comment, coming from a guy I am on a date with. Was he offering?...WTF!
I turned, keys in hand, oh-so-ready to leave, and was suddenly startled by what I thought was a lady walking a big black dog, which turned out to be two girls. Bruce then seriously said: “Well, we don’t know them. They well could be bitches.” I was stunned; I couldn’t believe the words that had just come out of his mouth. Bruce was quick to explain to me (oh goody!) that a bitch is a female dog. Once again in hindsight, I realize that he had tried to make a joke…
After the dog incident, Bruce flawlessly resumed the “chest conversation” as if nothing had happened. He was trying to point out that if I ever decided to go to paintball with him, that I would need to wear a chest pad, because any hits from the paintball can cause temporary lumps on my breasts that could be mistaken for something else. He then also suggested that I check out YouTube and watch an instructional video on breast self-exams, noting that those videos aren’t only for horny teenage boys; that they are quite informative.
And that’s when the night finally ended. I politely informed him that I had a good time but the date had to come to an end eventually (but was thinking I wish it had ended oh so long ago). He asked if I wanted to hang out with him the next night. As I already had plans, I didn’t have to lie right there and then. But, I was quite anxious to get away from Bruce… just as fast as my winter tires would get me out of there.
So, my dear dating folks, my advice here is: don’t date. Just kidding…. But if you’re a guy, please don’t have any conversations I described above on a first date. Also if you’re a girl… RUN away and carry a cell phone. I know realize why Bruce’s profile mentioned that his friends would describe him as... a great paintball target.
After the date, I spent a lot of time pondering the weirdness of it. I have yet to share with you what happened in the aftermath of the date - look for it in the next article. Needless to say, if I had any thoughts about seeing Bruce again - what happened afterwards definitely set me straight. I will share this with you in my next post. I will also share with you how to tell someone that you're not interested, in a way that is not offensive, but will definitely get the message across.
Wear running shoes on a first date: Part 2 of 3
When we left the coffee house at 9 pm, it was very dark outside. In contrast to his “unsettling” demeanor in the coffee house, Bruce seemed happy and excited again. As we set off in no particular direction, he explained that he wanted to show me the “ruins” on Parliament Hill. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, because – as an Ottawa native – I’m pretty familiar with the few major attractions in Ottawa and have never before heard of these “ruins”. When I questioned Bruce about it, he proceeded to describe that there is a demolished a building near the Parliament Hill, whose remnants resemble a ruin. I was very skeptical, but went along with his idea. Literally.
As we walked towards Major Hill’s Park, the idea of walking outside with someone I just met – whom I had met on an online website – started to make me feel uncertain. Furthermore, it seemed to me that we were walking around aimlessly. But, as we passed by two police cars stationed near Parliament Hill, I felt somewhat relieved. It was then, when Bruce asked me to walk with him down a pitch black staircase, to a trail that ran along the Rideau River that I got really worried and nervous and started wishing that the date would end SOON. I wearily made up some lame excuse about not wearing proper walking shoes, to deter him from pursuing this “lackluster” suggestion of his. To make things worse, Bruce then admitted that he was lost and what he wanted to show me wasn’t there (down the path) but rather on the other side of Parliament. WTF?!
However, this new locale was actually in the direction of my car, and given we had come all this way anyways, I agreed to check out the “ruins” with Bruce. When had made our way to the other side of Parliament, he was giddy with excitement at what he wanted to show. He pointed at what was there, but I honestly could not see what he was pointing at… because it was pitch black. This is when he mentioned that what he was pointing at was behind a bush (seriously, these were his words)… and that he made this discovery when he had ‘accidentally’ climbed over the fence with his friend the previous weekend.
This is about the time when the date officially became as ruined as the supposed “ruins” he had wanted to show me. Truthfully, by this time, I would’ve preferred to walk myself back to my car. Given the late hour, I was already tired and really had had enough. I explained to my date that I wanted to call it a night and that he didn’t need to walk me to my car. But, Bruce, like a true gentleman – (I’ll give him that) – offered to walk me to my car… citing that it was a good excuse to spend more time with me (Hooray?!)
Before I wrap up this post, I’d like to state the inherent advice: wear proper footwear to your first date (read: running shoes)… just in case you need to make a run for it.
Alas, as innocent as I am, I didn’t realize that the worst and the most disturbing part of our date, was still to come. It was really after the mindless wanderings to and from the “ruins” that the date really took on a downwards direction.
Stay tuned for Part 3 of this post, and the word “direction” will take on a new meaning for you. WARNING: The reading gets a bit vulgar and profane from here on out. Reader discretion is advised.
First PoF date… too much… too soon: Part 1 of 3
My first date with someone from plenty of fish started off well. Note the past tense. I was (really) excited to meet him, as we’d exchanged a couple of positive e-mails and even MSNed a few times, and all of our exchanges were very pleasant. Of the many things we had in common, similar family values was a key one.
For location of Date 1, we’d chosen a coffee and dessert shop in the downtown Ottawa. Bruce was very gallant: he arrived on time and even bearing gifts. It was almost as if Christmas had come early this year. (Details of the gift will be divulged later.)
What I initially liked about Bruce was that he was very open. I already knew where he worked and his full name… all things he didn’t know about me… I quickly discovered the reason for that, as Bruce did most of the talking. Not only did he talk a lot, he talked mostly about himself. It’s almost as if he desperately needed to ‘one-up’ all of my stories. Whenever I would start a new topic of discussion, he would quickly interrupt me and start talking about the time he did the same thing. HE JUST TALKED TALKED AND TALKED. For example, he talked about his first experience skiing (after I started telling him about mine); about his new snowboard that he hadn’t yet used; about how he liked where he lives – especially because it was near his grandmother (weird?!), about his cooky neighbour who is on meds; and on it went. It’s great that I’m such a good listener!
When he finished talking about his personal life, he proceeded to vent about his work and the fact that he didn’t feel his input was valued by his co-workers. He talked about work for quite some time, and – to be honest – I tuned him right out… until he asked me if I knew DB2, to which I casually responded: “I am familiar with DB2” (this will only make sense to my close friends.) Talking about work on a date is my least favourite topic, but not wanting to be rude, I waited until he was done venting, before changing the subject.
From our e-mail communications, I knew that he liked cooking and that, in past years, he had made Christmas dinners for his family. So, to wean him off the work conversation, I inquired about his plans for the holidays. The topic switch ploy worked, but he ran with the new conversation: he mentioned that his relatives were planning to spend the holidays in Florida, so they were celebrating the holidays early to accommodate them so that the entire family could celebrate the holidays together. He didn’t seem interested in knowing about my holiday plans.
When he finally got tired of talking about himself, he asked me if I was curious to open my gift. I was only semi-curious about the gift, so “pretending” to be as excited as he probably wanted me to be – I opened it. It turns out that during his lunch hour (of course he told me this after) he had gone and picked me up some candy and a Wii-shaped pez dispenser because I had previously mentioned to him that was the only console I played. I thought it was really thoughtful and decided to overlook the fact that for the most part Bruce had done all the talking and every attempt I made to talk had been quickly interrupted.
At this point, we were about 1.5 hours into the date, when all of a sudden, Bruce started to get very uneasy. When we had first arrived at the coffee house, it hadn’t busy at all, but it was starting to get packed and noisy. I didn’t bother me, but Bruce immediately mentioned that he disliked noisy atmosphere, and suggested we leave and go for a stroll. I said “yes”.
In hindsight, I realize that it was a bad idea altogether. I will describe the remainder of Date 1 in two posts that follow. To foreshadow, after post 3, the word “direction” will take on a whole new meaning. But first, post 2 will examine the beginning of the “ruins” of Bruce and what could have been a “happily-ever-after.” Sigh.
Introducing….ME!
My name is Veronika – a pseudonym – as I’d very much like to retain my anonymity. I’m a 27, cute and fit, IT professional, and I’m single by choice. The articles that I write will document my dating experiences. I’ve recently setup a profile on Plenty of Fish and am ready to really put myself out there. Some of the topics I intend to write about are: how to write a good profile, expectations from online dating, and – as they happen – my dating experiences present (and some past ones.) I will do my best to entertain you with my already promisingly humourous stories. I am not going to write any negative posts about men because I generally love men. If you’re looking for a blogger who will bash or vent about men, you shall be very disappointed. Hopefully, I can continue to amuse the readers as did my predecessor, by poking fun at myself and my dates. I’ve already met someone from Plenty of Fish and, to foreshadow, the date was so bad, that three articles are required to sufficiently describe its horror-icity?!
I’m ready! Promotion!
See:Spongebob Squarepants - I'm ready! Promotion! video for the background on title of this post.
Because I'm coupled off, I'm no longer qualified to write the How to be single blog. So, I've promoted myself (because I can) to Creative Director and Editor-in-chief . I've also found a successor - who will carry the Single torch henceforth - until she too (hopefully) finds that special someone. Her name is Veronika, and I'll let her introduce herself in her first post. I trust that you will be in good hands with her.
Please note that I edit/approve all posts, to ensure continued dedication to the English language and sarcastic humour. If you got beef, e-mail me at: howtobesingle@gmail.com. I'll admit I've forgotten my log-in credentials for that account, but any e-mails received should generally forward to my "real" gmail account. Take care all, and enjoy Veronika (no, not literally, you creeps!)