How to be single The experiential dating advice blog

The people my magnet attracts (part 3… the final chapter)

Dear readers, I’ve now shared with you a couple of stories showing how I attract the crazies and the married folk. Now, I’d like to delve into how to spot/avoid/deal with getting into such traps (if you want to call them that), in this final part of this saga. Keep in mind that these are from my personal experience and are greatly generalized (I’m not talking about YOU, Mr. Perfect-Boyfriend-Material sitting behind your computer screen getting all riled up).

  “Two Can Dine” menu (a.k.a. the taken ones):

Taken men are generally looking for something to spice up their now monogamous and seemingly mundane lives. When dealing with a man who’s already in a relationship, HANDLE WITH CAUTION. Whether you know about the significant other or not, there are so many complicating factors. Men in this category are looking to supplement what their relationship is lacking with something you’re able to give them. Usually it’s the following: no pressure to say/do the “right” things, getting what they crave physically, or an emotional/mental understanding. In my case, I figure they’re looking for spice in the bedroom that they’re not getting at home, as I happen to be quite avant-garde in that department.  

Signs to Look For:

1. He’ll always suggest that you both hang out at your house and not his.
2. All your time together has to be planned beforehand. If there’s ANY spontaneity, he’ll initiate it but won’t take you up on your offers to randomly get together.
3. You don’t meet his friends or family. If you do meet friends, it’s only a select few of his very closest ones.
4. There’s hardly ever any physical contact while in public (exception being if he’s in a long distance relationship where “she” can’t just walk by unexpectedly)

All of these things, while singularly are not something to get overly worried about, when happening from the same man, should give off a fishy odour.  

Boundaries:

The boundaries are pretty easy to figure out in this case. Either you’re OK with it or you’re not. If you’re not, run – don’t walk – as fast as you can. If you know about his partner (don’t judge, folks) then you need to prepare yourself to deal with the following:

1. No late night texting or calling
2. No overtly sexual messages left anywhere that is accessible to his partner
3. You’re always on his schedule
4. He already has a girlfriend so he’s not going to take on your problems when you feel emotional and needy
5. He will NEVER leave her for you. Never. If nothing else, this is the most important thing to remember.

 

Mad Cow Disease (a.k.a the crazies):

These men are usually looking for “The One” and don’t care what they have to do to get her… in fact, they don’t really care who she is.

Now, the men who are crazy never really show their poker hand until you’ve already made an initial emotional commitment that is often very hard to break. So, you’ve already decided they’re good enough to go out with again. From their perspective, they’re preserving the species so, really, it’s a good evolutionary move. If only they could keep being normal and eschew their slightly psychotic sides! I’ve come to the conclusion that these men are searching hard for their soul mates and don’t really care whom they get: they’ll shave that square peg until it fits snugly into the round hole (Hey! Mind out of the gutter!) Because of their need to find someone, they’ll do just about anything which comes off a bit manic to those of us who are casually floating through life.

Signs to Look For:

1. They need to know where you are at any given time
2. Unanswered texts, e-mails and phone calls are never sent without a slew of follow-ups (asking how you are, where you are, if you’re dead, what did you think of their last question, did you want to do something tonight, tomorrow, next week, the rest of your life?!)
3. They’re insulted easily and get extremely upset by innocent actions or remarks
4. When talking about a member of the opposite sex (even if it’s a long time friend), they become quiet, withdrawn, moody or lash out at you

 They basically require 100% of your attention every day.

Boundaries:

It’s crucial that when you get an inkling that your relationship has taken on the sort of intensity you weren't looking for/aren't ready for, that you cut it off fast…unless you’re OK with it. You have to set up specific boundaries that you are comfortable with before you end up dealing with someone that feels slighted, then shows up at your door screaming about how they want to burn your house down with you in it. Make sure you outline exactly what you want in simple, easy-to-understand sentences so that there’s no confusion on their part. It's also recommended that these be outlined in both verbal and written forms. Some issues cannot be repeated enough.