From OK to bad to ugly: Part 1 of 3
Dear friends, we’ve now come to Date 4 of my 4-date weekend. Bachelor #4’s name was Darryl and he magically managed to piss me off even before we had ARRANGED a date. My standards must’ve really hit rock bottom by that time, since I had still agreed to go on a date with him. He – in fact – pissed me off so much that I figuratively jumped down his throat via SMS. Let me back up and explain:
After we exchanged contact info, it soon became apparent that Darryl was Mister Texty-Text. And – let me tell you – it’s not like he shared with me the meaning of life via SMS; his texts were irrelevant and meaningless. And he just kept texting me and texting me and texting me. At first, I thought it was cute, but let’s face it, THIS…
1:32 PM SMS # 1: Hi
1:35 PM SMS #2: How are you?
1:38 PM SMS # 3: What are you doing now?
1:42 PM SMS #4: I’m working.
1:50 SMS #5: It’s not very busy here at work.
… is only cute for the first 5 min. I didn’t say anything right away … I mean I hadn’t even met the guy. I let him go on for a bit, while trying to telepathically and physically (by not responding), encourage him into silence. But, Darryl was incorrigible. So, finally, when he texted me ...
3:15 PM SMS #1: What are you up to now?
3:16 PM SMS #2: Hello?
3:20 PM SMS #3: What’s up?
3:23 PMSMS #4:….
… not 2 hours later, something inside me snapped and I replied with:
“I’ll tell you what’s up. These text messages aren’t doing anything for me. AND, I don’t have unlimited texts.”
(I was super pissed off; I actually didn’t care if he texted me back at this point.)
He texts back:
“Sorry. Can I call you instead?”
Feeling half-stupid, half-guilty, I texted back saying that I would much prefer that, and apologizing for the harshness and inappropriateness of my retort. In hindsight, I should have just ignored him. So, he did call me later that night, and we arranged to meet up for a beer the following evening (Sunday).
By the time Sunday evening rolled ‘round, I was exhausted because I’d already been on 3 dates in the last 48 hours, and I had one more to go. But, who’ve I had to blame but myself?! Nevertheless, I was tired and eager to get the date with Mister Texty-Text over with. Deep down, I actually hoped that it wouldn’t go well. There’s something to be said for self-fulfilling prophecy…
We had decided to meet for a beer at the local brewpub. I was 2 minutes late for the date. He was later than late. (When will I stop being surprised by that fact?) But, when he finally walked in, he looked… OK. There was potential. We started chatting, ordered a couple of beers, and were generally having a good time. He was funny… in that dry sarcastic way that never fails to entice me. Honestly I enjoyed my date with him, and he with me. At least that’s what I had assumed when we both parted with the ever-so-awkward “we should do this again.”
That's it of Part 1 of 3. Please come back shortly for Parts 2 and 3. I guarantee you won't regret it!
Bachelor #3
(This is a long awaited post, precipitated by the pressure randi is putting on me. She's eager to share her college misadventures, so I must conclude my Bachelorette series pronto!)
I couldn’t think of an adequate title for my account of date with Bachelor #3. Perhaps then, this blog post will be as memorable as the date itself was. Except that - due to laziness (I.e. not writing about it in a timely fashion) - I’ve been forced to remember the rather unmemorable details of it as I have to share dating do not’s with you.
So, let’s all recall that this was Date #2 for that day, so I was pretty tired. In addition, I had a social engagement later that night, so it was in my interest to wrap it up pretty fast. I’ll foreshadow here to say that … I didn’t really need any help to wrap up the date; its natural path must have been quite short.
I arranged to meet with Paul at a local coffee shop. He asked if he could bring his dog along, and - since we’d intended to grab a coffee and walk around the bock - I had no issues with it. Plus, I love all furry creatures!
So, date time came and went. All of it happened in 45 mins. Looking back, it almost seems that it had been on fast-forward… but maybe that’s because the dog was pulling on the leash pretty hard, and we ended up power-walking rather than strolling.
Alas, the topic of the conversation during our 45 mins together mostly stayed on Paul, Paul … and also the people Paul disliked. I have be honest, there are 2 things that really frustrate me: people who complain and those who gossip. It’s a well known fact when someone asks “Hi, how are you?” we don’t really want to know the things you tell your psychologist. Just a simple ‘good’, ‘okay’, ‘could be better’ is sufficient. If we’re interested in knowing more, we’ll ask. At least, I will. But Paul just decided to express his disappointment with everything from the tattooed chick at work, to his ex-girlfriend who lied through her teeth. All in 45 minutes! He should win an award.
But, really, he lost me at talking negatively about people he works with, and - if not there - then certainly at talking about an ex on a first date.
We parted ways after our short date. I told him I had fun… and I didn’t specify that it was fun gathering material for my blog. He messaged me 2 days later, at which point I had to break his heart. Oh well.
The people my magnet attracts (part 3… the final chapter)
Dear readers, I’ve now shared with you a couple of stories showing how I attract the crazies and the married folk. Now, I’d like to delve into how to spot/avoid/deal with getting into such traps (if you want to call them that), in this final part of this saga. Keep in mind that these are from my personal experience and are greatly generalized (I’m not talking about YOU, Mr. Perfect-Boyfriend-Material sitting behind your computer screen getting all riled up).
“Two Can Dine” menu (a.k.a. the taken ones):
Taken men are generally looking for something to spice up their now monogamous and seemingly mundane lives. When dealing with a man who’s already in a relationship, HANDLE WITH CAUTION. Whether you know about the significant other or not, there are so many complicating factors. Men in this category are looking to supplement what their relationship is lacking with something you’re able to give them. Usually it’s the following: no pressure to say/do the “right” things, getting what they crave physically, or an emotional/mental understanding. In my case, I figure they’re looking for spice in the bedroom that they’re not getting at home, as I happen to be quite avant-garde in that department.
Signs to Look For:
- He’ll always suggest that you both hang out at your house and not his.
- All your time together has to be planned beforehand. If there’s ANY spontaneity, he’ll initiate it but won’t take you up on your offers to randomly get together.
- You don’t meet his friends or family. If you do meet friends, it’s only a select few of his very closest ones.
- There’s hardly ever any physical contact while in public (exception being if he’s in a long distance relationship where “she” can’t just walk by unexpectedly)
All of these things, while singularly are not something to get overly worried about, when happening from the same man, should give off a fishy odour.
Boundaries:
The boundaries are pretty easy to figure out in this case. Either you’re OK with it or you’re not. If you’re not, run – don’t walk – as fast as you can. If you know about his partner (don’t judge, folks) then you need to prepare yourself to deal with the following:
- No late night texting or calling
- No overtly sexual messages left anywhere that is accessible to his partner
- You’re always on his schedule
- He already has a girlfriend so he’s not going to take on your problems when you feel emotional and needy
- He will NEVER leave her for you. Never. If nothing else, this is the most important thing to remember.
Mad Cow Disease (a.k.a the crazies):
These men are usually looking for “The One” and don’t care what they have to do to get her… in fact, they don’t really care who she is.
Now, the men who are crazy never really show their poker hand until you’ve already made an initial emotional commitment that is often very hard to break. So, you’ve already decided they’re good enough to go out with again. From their perspective, they’re preserving the species so, really, it’s a good evolutionary move. If only they could keep being normal and eschew their slightly psychotic sides! I’ve come to the conclusion that these men are searching hard for their soul mates and don’t really care whom they get: they’ll shave that square peg until it fits snugly into the round hole (Hey! Mind out of the gutter!) Because of their need to find someone, they’ll do just about anything which comes off a bit manic to those of us who are casually floating through life.
Signs to Look For:
- They need to know where you are at any given time
- Unanswered texts, e-mails and phone calls are never sent without a slew of follow-ups (asking how you are, where you are, if you’re dead, what did you think of their last question, did you want to do something tonight, tomorrow, next week, the rest of your life?!)
- They’re insulted easily and get extremely upset by innocent actions or remarks
- When talking about a member of the opposite sex (even if it’s a long time friend), they become quiet, withdrawn, moody or lash out at you
They basically require 100% of your attention every day.
Boundaries:
It’s crucial that when you get an inkling that your relationship has taken on the sort of intensity you weren't looking for/aren't ready for, that you cut it off fast…unless you’re OK with it. You have to set up specific boundaries that you are comfortable with before you end up dealing with someone that feels slighted, then shows up at your door screaming about how they want to burn your house down with you in it. Make sure you outline exactly what you want in simple, easy-to-understand sentences so that there’s no confusion on their part. It's also recommended that these be outlined in both verbal and written forms. Some issues cannot be repeated enough.
The people my magnet attracts (part 2)
Like I said in part 1 of this multi-part post, the other type of people who fancy me are already taken. That is, they are already dating, engaged or married. Strangely, though I have not been able to wrap my head around this phenomenon, I have come to accept it. However, in no way do I condone it. I understand that breaking up is hard to do (and blah, blah, blah) and that sometimes - while your relationship is good overall - there might be something lacking elsewhere. However, I’m not entirely sure why you would stay in a relationship you weren’t happy in and where you needed validation, in whatever form, from someone else.
I first observed that I seem to attract already attached mates shortly after my first serious relationship went south faster than the blue-haired folk when the frost comes, when I quickly became – to put it lightly – like a cat in heat. There was no way I was going to take time to mourn the loss of a relationship that should’ve been over before it even began. I was very young and definitely new to the world of being single (we had been together for over 3 years) so I took any opportunity that was given to me to have… well… all kinds of ridiculously irresponsible fun.
Enter Chester. Chester was a friend of my ex’s, and we had always hit it off swimmingly. Naturally, he was one of the first people I set my horny sights on. Although we didn’t know each other very well, we definitely had the kind of chemistry I was looking for at the time. We spent many nights taking turns sipping out of the same bottle of Jack’s, provocatively dancing with each other into the wee hours, always ending our evenings by engaging in the kinds of activities that would make the Pope blush (or, realistically, condemn us to the fiery reaches of Hell).
One night, I was out at a local dance club when I spotted Chester talking to an old acquaintance whom I hadn’t seen in 4 years! Excitedly, and drunkenly, I stumbled over to where the pair were standing and gave my long lost acquaintance a quick hug. He asked me what I had been doing and, without missing a beat, I replied: “Him!” pointing right at a shocked Chester. Chester looked around nervously while chuckling and asked me to keep it down lest his girlfriend hear me.
My jaw dropped (for different reasons than Chester was used to). Girlfriend?! What girlfriend?! Shocked (and rather upset that I clearly wasn’t going to get any that evening), I tucked my tail between my legs, made an excuse to leave, and slunk back into the crowd of overly happy movers and shakers. After that episode, I’ve taken to careful screening to ensure my playmates are single. But really, that’s not my job. Hence, I share with you my policy/advice on this matter: if you’re taken, keep your hose in your clothes. Same goes for the ladies, with minor adaptations to allow for differences in the anatomy.
Introducing….ME!
My name is Veronika – a pseudonym – as I’d very much like to retain my anonymity. I’m a 27, cute and fit, IT professional, and I’m single by choice. The articles that I write will document my dating experiences. I’ve recently setup a profile on Plenty of Fish and am ready to really put myself out there. Some of the topics I intend to write about are: how to write a good profile, expectations from online dating, and – as they happen – my dating experiences present (and some past ones.) I will do my best to entertain you with my already promisingly humourous stories. I am not going to write any negative posts about men because I generally love men. If you’re looking for a blogger who will bash or vent about men, you shall be very disappointed. Hopefully, I can continue to amuse the readers as did my predecessor, by poking fun at myself and my dates. I’ve already met someone from Plenty of Fish and, to foreshadow, the date was so bad, that three articles are required to sufficiently describe its horror-icity?!
I’m ready! Promotion!
See:Spongebob Squarepants - I'm ready! Promotion! video for the background on title of this post.
Because I'm coupled off, I'm no longer qualified to write the How to be single blog. So, I've promoted myself (because I can) to Creative Director and Editor-in-chief . I've also found a successor - who will carry the Single torch henceforth - until she too (hopefully) finds that special someone. Her name is Veronika, and I'll let her introduce herself in her first post. I trust that you will be in good hands with her.
Please note that I edit/approve all posts, to ensure continued dedication to the English language and sarcastic humour. If you got beef, e-mail me at: howtobesingle@gmail.com. I'll admit I've forgotten my log-in credentials for that account, but any e-mails received should generally forward to my "real" gmail account. Take care all, and enjoy Veronika (no, not literally, you creeps!)
A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part III
OK – I’ve kept you waiting long enough for the final installment of this 3-part series: my profile. A short preamble before I reveal to you my masterpiece. During the latter 5 months of my on-line presence (specifically, on PoF), I had 2 profiles: one adhered strictly to the boring suggestions by PoF – about me, about him, aspirations/goals, favourites; and a second one – which was completely “me”. The idea to write an original profile came from my friend Robert, mixed in with my affinity for writing limericks, which I’ve been doing somewhat consistently for friends’ birthdays.
For those of you who don’t know what a limerick is, here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia article on “Limerick (poetry)”… in limerick format:
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
In space that is quite economical
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the cleans ones so seldom are comical
(Anonymous)
And now my profile…
A 5-part limerick
A young maiden from Ottawa once sought,
A thing that often cannot be bought.
A love so true, so rare,
More than a casual affair,
From a knight who a valiant battle had fought.
By all accounts, the maiden was very fair,
Confident, smart, with brown-reddish hair.
Her eyes green like a precious stone,
She had presence, fit for the throne,
And soft touch, that could lay your soul bare
In her match, she desired a respectful soul,
With good character, a job, and a life goal.
Funny, he should be,
And punctual to a tee;
Who sees beyond a video-games control.
Long walks on the beach are too cliché,
Perhaps a picnic in the park, or a shared sorbet!
Thoughtful acts aplenty,
For a damsel so dainty;
Perhaps, too, an occasional red-rose bouquet.
As dictate the principles of limerick-writing,
The piece aforesaid, can be more "exciting".
So the maiden - a lively coquette,
Who enjoys a lengthy romp in the bed,
Asserts that her mate she will be delighting!
A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part I
(First, I apologize for the delay in writing a post. It’s been a hectic time for me as I just moved. So, between packing, Halloween, unpacking, and dating, I haven’t had a chance to put the pen to paper. Or, more appropriately, my fingertips to the “home row.” Errr…too geeky? Moving right along then…)
Fact: Most people who on-line date will look only as far as you photo before messaging you. How do I know this? Because I get oodles of messages to the tune of “how r u doing” or form letters that reference nothing from my “awesome” profile (and I will get to just how “awesome” my profile is soon). Also, I have two profiles, with different written description and different photos, and I have received messages from the same guy to both profiles. Fools! Consider the following:
- For those of you who are solely fixated on finding a good-looking mate, the importance lies in having a great photo. So, I suggest if you don’t have any good pictures lying around, to dish out $50-$100 for some professional photographs. Those professional guys definitely know a thing or two about making you look great in still art.
- For the rest of you who are not interested in “just another good looking guy/gal”, you need to spend some time on the written description. In writing about yourself, you have to deviate from the standard, bare your soul, inspire and intrigue, and make people think: “this guy/chick sounds awesome.” If you do this, you will not only get replies, but you will get replies from your “target audience”, if such thing applies to on-line dating.
In my opinion, online dating is not about going out/going through anybody that may come your way, and eliminating them one by one (screening-out). I’m of opinion that it’s about ensuring the right people are messaging you (screening-in.) More on my theory of how “Dating is like Recruiting” in a future post.
Before I get into sample good/bad profiles, here’s a story. I was on PoF a few weeks ago – “doing some research” for the blog. As usual, while you’re active in your session, you get a few messages from guys who are checking out the members that are ONLINE NOW section. So, this dude messages me:
Guy: “how r u doing 2day”
(Keep in mind that this is an e-mail message, not an IM). Right off, I was not only turned off by his style of writing, but also by his profile, which was the generic “new on here, looking to meet some cool people, no drama, etc.” accompanied by a picture of his biceps. I instantly disqualified him as a potential mate, and deleted his message.
Alas, this fish was tenacious, and so he messaged me again. This time, the subject of his message is:
“why r u so mean?”
Feeling snarky and sarcastic, I proceeded to have the following exchange with him:
Me: “because you are only interested in what I look like, and can’t spell”
Guy: “you are being too picky.”
Me: “I’m perfectly happy with that.”
Guy (which got him blocked): “you shouldn’t be, with a nose like that. You should consider getting a nose job”.
(I interject here to say that I’ve had insecurities about my nose since I was 14, and have only gotten over them in the last 2-3 years, so I really couldn’t be bothered with guys who say sh*t like that.)
The purpose of my preamble is to illustrate for you what goes on the “back-end” when a guy message a girl. Keep in mind that I have always been very finicky about the guys I date. At one point, my “guy wish list” included 30 must-haves. I also think writing this blog made me even more picky and judgmental, since I actually have to analyze the losers I am fortune enough to meet. I digress (as always.)
So, along with having a kick-ass profile is the necessity of knowing what your ‘end-goal’ is:
- If you only want others to message you because you look GREAT, then stop at having a great picture.
- If you want people to message you because you sound great from your profile, then photos matters relatively less than what you write
I already mentioned that I have 2 on-line profiles. On my first profile, I answered the generic questions that PoF and other sites recommend: likes/dislikes, favourite activities/music, etc. and attached some really great photos of me. My 2nd profile (to be revealed in future post), I took the time to write a profile that truly reflects myself. Initially, I even thought about not putting up a picture, but since everyone judges the book by its cover, I ended up a “so-so” photo. Mind you, I think that photo is great, but it does make my nose look big 
Keeper or Creeper?
So, with having recently decided that I won’t be shagging up with anybody until I’m in an exclusive relationship – as per Millionaire Matchmaker’s advice – comes the trouble of having to decide whether or not a guy is a keeper or a creeper. Should be easy, right? Well, not quite.
First, the reason behind my decision – which wasn’t easy – is because with sex, comes the emotional attachment. At least, this is so for most girls. After all, sex is intimate. As per my roommate, “sex doesn’t have to be complicated, unless you let it be.” Well, in order for sex not to get complicated, you have to be very “self-aware.” You have to constantly make sure you are on top of your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. I admit that I’ve had a few FwB (friends with benefits), and most of them were quite successful: I’m still friends with most of my past FwB’s. But, like I said – those good relationships are due to the fact that I’ve always reminded myself that I was in it just for the satisfaction of my basic human needs. If we involve good ol’ Abraham Maslow into this discussion, then you’ll see, that having friends with benefits, is basically keeping yourself at the first/second levels of the pyramid.
So, essentially – and eventually – all of us feel that we need to find that Mr./Mrs. Right, and get on with accomplishing more than just our most basic needs. That’s where your whole perception on sex changes.
The rest of the discussion is very girl-driven (sorry to my guy friends) and it’s mostly humorous. Remember, you’re reading this for comic relief! Keep in mind too that I consider myself an elitist snob [said with a Russian accent].
And so, this post is all about what you need to uncover about him if you’re looking for Mr. Right, as opposed to Mr. Right Now.
a) Does he message you to ask you how your day was, or to ask what color underwear you’re wearing? If you’re in an exclusive relationship, the latter is quite fine, if all you’ve had was 2 dates, a message “I wish you were here to play with me” is somewhat inappropriate.
b) His EPI – earnings potential index. This may sound very “gold-digger-ish” but we can’t deny that women are attracted to men who can provide for us and our children; whilst men are attracted to women who look healthy and fertile and capable of bearing them heirs. Beware: this is not something that you can just ask a guy – so you have to be really sneaky with your questions, and derive the answer from his behaviors.
c) His CI – chivalry index. Keeping in line with the fact that girls need to make sure that “HE” can provide for us:
- a) does he hold the door open and let you through first? If so, where does he put his arm? Upper back = friends only; butt = sex only; mid-back = keeper
d) His style:
- What kind of shoes?
- Sneakers – he’s either casual or lazy.
- Deck shoes or something similar: he likes comfort but cares bout his style.
- Gucci’s or something – he’s more into his style than you, or he’s gay.
- What kind of shirt? If t-shirt, he’s into casual wear or he’s lazy.
- Watch? Timex – yeah… lose him
e) Sunglasses and usage?
- Does he wear his sunglasses at night?
f) His attitude towards kids/pets.
- First off, does he have pets?
- Second of all, what does he think about kids?
- You can’t just ASK him. Every guy will say that he likes kids, because that’s what we want to hear. Instead, test him. Take him to a park, point out the most Satanic-looking kid and say: “Awww, isn’t he such a sweetheart?!” If the answer is positive, then it’s a go-ahead. If he instead says: “Yeah, right, s/he needs to be shot.” Well, you know what to do.
g) What sports does he play? You’ll want to have a guy who cares about his physical fitness so that he doesn’t die and leave you caring for the offerings by yourself.
h) Does he do his own laundry or does he take it home to him mom? If you’re over at this place, check to see if he’s got a laundry room/basket.
i) Can he carry a conversation? I went on a date with a guy – Peter – and during 45 mins, he asked me all of 3 questions. AND, that was after I deliberately stopped talking, and let there be an awkward silence to see if he could muster any questions. After 45 mins, he asked if he wanted to go elsewhere (we were only having a coffee.) I guess he liked awkward silences…
j) What does he think of the Porsche Cayman S? (Just kidding )
Let’s play a love game
Who was it again that said that guys don’t play games? It’s irrelevant at this point, since that individual was uninformed. Boys/Guys/Men play games as well. Not only have I observed this myself, but it was explicitly stated to me by numerous male friends.
Admittedly though, we play different games. (If you’ve never read the book Love Bites, by it’s Happy Bunny, I highly recommend it. It has a great chapter on Games.)
Games girls play
Let’s examine the following scenario:
Girl: “Why don’t you come over and watch movie with me?”
Boy: “I am tired and want to go to bed.”
What she’s thinking: Hmm, he doesn’t want to come over. Maybe he’s angry with me. Or, maybe he’s lying. He’s probably cheating on me. Or, he’s playing poker with the guys, or hitting up the clubs. Maybe he’s lost interest in me. What if I’m not pretty anymore? Etc.
What the guy is thinking: I’m tired. I’m going to bed.
As the result of the female neurotic processes the girl will now attempt to telepathically figure out what the guy is “really” thinking. Once she feels she’s done, she’ll determine some sort of punishment for the guy, and will consequently attempt to inform him of it, telepathically. Poor schmuck!
I have been guilty of such behavior, though perhaps not as coo-coo. A while back, I was “seeing” a guy, and after talking with him – either via phone or e-mail, on a daily or bi-daily basis for a few months, he didn’t call me or communicate with me for a week. So, I figured he was mad at me for some reason, and did something he later termed as inappropriate. It also turns out that he hadn’t called because he had been busy.
Girls’ psycho behavior makes guys put the following warnings on their online profile:
“Ciao! Firstly, save the drama for your mama...”
“SO IF YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES SORRY BUT F**K OFF” [sic]
“im not into head games” [sic]
To be honest, this turns me off. Since I know that guys play games as well (perfect lead in to the next section, don’t you think?)
Games guys play
By far the most popular game they play is the Asshole game. What is this? Since guys are not telepathic – and have never claimed to be – they respond to girls’ games by generally behaving like assholes (i.e. not calling back, displaying un-gentleman-like behavior, etc.) because they just can’t figure the girls out. This is simply an adaptive response to girls’ unreasonableness. For ages, men have tried to figure out why women are so nuts, and figured out that the best way to address it is to act like a total asshole because that’s what we expect of them anyways. And some girls even like it! (as crazy as it sounds.)
So generally, if a girl is to question out loud: “Why are you such an asshole?” Guy responds: “Because that’s how assholes act.”
It’s an infinite loop. The only way to stop this insane behavior by the genders is COMMUNICATION (e.g. discuss expectations for your relationships.) If you need a lesson on communication, I can lend you my textbook from Sexual Behavior course from university. It has EXCELLENT advice.
In the end, I reiterate that men’s game is really a response to girls’ behavior. The only way figure guys out, is to take their words at face value.