Introducing….ME!
My name is Veronika – a pseudonym – as I’d very much like to retain my anonymity. I’m a 27, cute and fit, IT professional, and I’m single by choice. The articles that I write will document my dating experiences. I’ve recently setup a profile on Plenty of Fish and am ready to really put myself out there. Some of the topics I intend to write about are: how to write a good profile, expectations from online dating, and – as they happen – my dating experiences present (and some past ones.) I will do my best to entertain you with my already promisingly humourous stories. I am not going to write any negative posts about men because I generally love men. If you’re looking for a blogger who will bash or vent about men, you shall be very disappointed. Hopefully, I can continue to amuse the readers as did my predecessor, by poking fun at myself and my dates. I’ve already met someone from Plenty of Fish and, to foreshadow, the date was so bad, that three articles are required to sufficiently describe its horror-icity?!
A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part III
OK – I’ve kept you waiting long enough for the final installment of this 3-part series: my profile. A short preamble before I reveal to you my masterpiece. During the latter 5 months of my on-line presence (specifically, on PoF), I had 2 profiles: one adhered strictly to the boring suggestions by PoF – about me, about him, aspirations/goals, favourites; and a second one – which was completely “me”. The idea to write an original profile came from my friend Robert, mixed in with my affinity for writing limericks, which I’ve been doing somewhat consistently for friends’ birthdays.
For those of you who don’t know what a limerick is, here’s an excerpt from Wikipedia article on “Limerick (poetry)”… in limerick format:
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
In space that is quite economical
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the cleans ones so seldom are comical
(Anonymous)
And now my profile…
A 5-part limerick
A young maiden from Ottawa once sought,
A thing that often cannot be bought.
A love so true, so rare,
More than a casual affair,
From a knight who a valiant battle had fought.
By all accounts, the maiden was very fair,
Confident, smart, with brown-reddish hair.
Her eyes green like a precious stone,
She had presence, fit for the throne,
And soft touch, that could lay your soul bare
In her match, she desired a respectful soul,
With good character, a job, and a life goal.
Funny, he should be,
And punctual to a tee;
Who sees beyond a video-games control.
Long walks on the beach are too cliché,
Perhaps a picnic in the park, or a shared sorbet!
Thoughtful acts aplenty,
For a damsel so dainty;
Perhaps, too, an occasional red-rose bouquet.
As dictate the principles of limerick-writing,
The piece aforesaid, can be more "exciting".
So the maiden - a lively coquette,
Who enjoys a lengthy romp in the bed,
Asserts that her mate she will be delighting!
A picture is worth < 1000 words: how to write a great on-line profile – Part II
My newfound love is one of the inspirations for this article. However, another major inspiration was my friend and personal mentor – Robert – who has recently became engaged to a lovely lady he’d met online just 5 months ago. In fact, they are getting married in December. Some of you are probably thinking “Fools!” but, to those who know them, it’s quite clear that it’s a match made by Gods themselves (perhaps by Neptune, since they met on Plenty of Fish.)
Some background information: I had been trying to convince Robert to try online dating for years. But, he didn’t do it. “I’m not ready,” he claimed over and time again. Finally, in May 09, he ‘became’ ready. Easier said than done! Robert painstakingly and tirelessly worked on his profile, to ensure that it was representative of his true self – and this process took (too) much time. During the – oh probably 2 weeks – he solicited the feedback of his family and friends, on everything from the perfect screen name to photos to the description.
Finally (finally!) in June, he released his masterpiece on PoF. Before I reveal his profile to you (with his permission), I will confess that, had I been perusing his profile, I would have never messaged him. I just don’t ‘get it.’ But, that is exactly what his intent was: to ensure that only people who “got it” messaged him. In fact, some women e-mailed Robert stating “I don’t understand your profile.” Well, too bad for them, I say!
So, the lesson of this post is: make your profile your own.
Profile of Eloquent Woodman:
Interests
outdoors canoeing hiking
teaching philosophy spirituality
music yoga massage
cooking entertaining red wine
campfires thunderstorms poetry
travel trail biking writing
books movies cuddling
live theatre art galleries sushi
family friends deep conversations
About Me
I'm an ambivert with an energizing job. My life makes a difference.
I'll tease your brain and I don't come in a box. I'm kind of
refreshing and unexpected because I'm yours to discover but there's
always more to me.
I think a lot and I feel a lot. I choose the few over the many, and I
have my doubts about certainty. I'm wrong about a lot of things, but
I'm open to the possibility that I might be wrong about that too. I
learn more that way and have more fun, because it hurts to be
constipated. (When that happens, I eat chocolate.)
I like relaxing in the evenings and recharging on vacations. I spend
time writing, speaking, and teaching. I lead people in creative ways
and I am trusted to develop the somewhat young and impressionable in a
variety of settings. I love people by seeing the unique possibilities
within them. (If your mom and dad really love you, or if you have a
best friend who totally believes in you, you know what I'm talking
about.) I make my own music and I'll fool around on the piano and let
the emotions flow.
Creativity and playfulness are big turn-ons for me. I find women that
confidently and naturally show their strength and smarts are
particularly sexy. I admire breadth, depth, balance, integrity and a
sense of history. My family and friends are very important to me. I'm
a fan of cuddling, and I ardently embrace the unexpected options.
(Sometimes I do let opportunity knock a while though, but it's 'cause
I'm in the shower.)
I need to get dirty and I need to clean up. I'm into both town and
country. I live for today with a general direction for tomorrow. I
change my plans not my character. I dress up and I dress down. I like
nature, culture, have high standards in cooking, and I think eating
healthy tastes best.
I am adventurous and spontaneous, but I believe in boundaries and
limits. I hope you have some intelligent ones, as I'm attracted to
people who respect themselves. I like pie crusts, nuts, vegetables and
potatoes, but I'll never ask for a second helping of flaky, crazy,
dumb or lazy. I like responses that dare to be different and emphasize
brain over boob. It's not about length: let me know I've struck a
chord by attempting to pluck one of your own. That way, we don't waste
our time stringing each other along.
Are you a stream of consciousness?
You have a fairy godmother.
You approve of semicolons, compound sentences and appropriate capitalization.
You are artistic, synergistic, optimistic and uber-califragilistic. (Jawohl!)
You are musical, whimsical, historical, sexual, ecumenical and biodegradable.
Your rejection of "starved to perfection" makes you a wiser exerciser.
You prefer organically grown and also orgasmically groan.
You can take a hike.
You're good for the planet and you're good for me.
Like a river, are you elemental? Always true to yourself; not watered
down. Now ebulliently energetic; now deep and still. Here a gentle
trickle; there a powerful rush. Warm. Cool. Breathtaking. Always
refreshing. I like your hidden dangers, your twists and turns, but you
can't be about meaningless forking or hooking up.
As Catwoman and Selina Kyle, are you deeper than a puddle, more
powerful than a logical motive, faster than speeding bullshit? Do you
stand for truth, justice and the Canadian way? Could you handle
someone who deeply understood you without ever actually being able to
do so, challenged you, never let you get away with it, had depth,
intensity, serenity and character and a hot ass and was maybe the kind
of person your mom warned you about while also secretly being in
favour of?
I'm looking for a woman who will bring out the absolute best in me and
I'll do the same for her. I need it all, sometimes both of us going
zoom-zoom, sometimes one fast, the other slow, sometimes you,
sometimes me, sometimes we lie still under the stars and listen to
your heartbeat. You could be the one -- or one of the ones -- a number
ten gale on the Beaufort Scale. I'd spend an eternal moment in the
silent anticipation of your softest breath. Hit me like a force of
nature, or blow me away with whispered depth and strength.
P.S. The Beaufort is a 12 point scale, so you only need to be an 8.3.
First Date
I'm focused on finding a soul-to-soul match for the long-term, because
that's where the real excitement and fulfillment is. I don't care how
much hair I have to climb (Rapunzel), how many beauties I have to kiss
(God give me strength!), or how many witches, trolls and goblins are
involved (they make for good stories). Along the way, I'm into having
fun and being playful and making some new friends by helping them get
a better idea of who they are and what they want (without charming the
pants off them).
Boldness earns my respect. Flakiness and hesitation are your
subconscious saying you're not right for me. If most of your physical
activity takes place within your digestive system, I won't be able to
keep up with you. And most importantly, if you believe a first date is
a long-term relationship, then the voices in your head are telling you
that you're MUCH too good for me! Listen to them! (I'm pretty sure
every woman on this site could recommend guys who would be PERFECT for
you.)
To do or not to do? The infamous 3rd Date
Extra! Extra! This just in! I went on a 2nd date. Whoa, right?! Right?! To put it into perspective, this is the first time that I’ve gone on a 2nd date with a guy I met online. (Okay, technically, that’s not entirely true. Back in ’07, I did go on multiple dates with a nice boy. But that didn’t go anywhere due to diverging life paths.)
Naturally, after the date – as after all my dates – I debriefed with my dating coaches (I have 2 – very important people) and my friends. Let me digress for a bit and say: if you don’t have a dating coach, get one. It’s always best to have someone who is familiar with the dating scene.
OK, back to the topic at hand. At the debrief, a very interesting discussion ensued. (In fact – when you factor in that this discussion took place over lunch, at work – you can most certainly claim that it was a NSFW discussion (not safe for work). Since we seem to have these discussions often, I’ve began thinking of starting a podcast… or my own reality TV show. If I do, it’ll definitely be titled NSFW.) Crikey, I digressed again.
So, the discussion was around the whole societal myth that on Date 3, you sleep with him/her. In reality, if you analyze how much you can learn about your date, in the 1-2 hours, then factor in two dates and weigh it against the emotional impact of having sex with someone, the “infamous Date 3” seems implausible. Yet, many amongst us commonly believe the following:
Date 1 = meet, talk, get to know each other, maybe kiss
Date 2 = talk more, discover move, kiss, maybe take off some clothes
Date 3 = talk yet more, you – or he – stays over for breakfast
I was curious to see if this “Date 3” myth was indeed a reality, so I Googled. The response… is… well, not really a response. As with all human issues – the answer varies: by sex, by age, and by personal choice. Thus, my advice is: if you are faced with this decision: to do or not to do (on Date 3), consider the following:
- If given the chance, guys *will* do it on the 1st/2nd/3rd date, so it’s usually up to girl to set the pace (unless she’s a sex addict). Tip: if your resolve is weak, it’s best not to go on dates that involve alcohol.
- What do you want? Set expectations for yourself, and level-set your mate to them. Honesty is the best policy.
- Generally, if subsequent dates are spaced out (more than 2 weeks between dates), the Date-o-meter is reset every time. So, basically, you’re not subjected to the societal standards.
For comic relief, the *top* response came from one of my dating coaches (male) who said: “if I could have, I would have done her on Date 1.” Yes, men are that primitive. I also recommend the following AskMen article.
In the end though, my advice is: figure out what you want (if you're looking for a long-term thing, falling into bed with him on Date 1 will definitely send the wrong message), and stick to your guns.
In the interest of keeping this blog PG13, I’ll admit that I had many “opportunities” on Date 2. However, I adhered to my personal standards, which I shared with him: I told him that I wasn’t looking for a “just a toss-in-the-hay,” and directed him to look elsewhere, if that were all he was looking for. Date 3 is pending.
Ingenuous thought of today
Men are primitive creatures. When we (as women) fully come to terms with this, we will be less often disappointed by their primitive acts (i.e. not putting the toilet seat down), and more often surprised by those occasional acts that transcend primitiveness (i.e. opening the car door.)
And while I admit that this is not true of all men, it's best to be prepared for the "worst-case" scenario.
The douchebag report: Part III – Neil’s deal
It would be inappropriate for me to wrap up the Douchebag Report without telling you what happened to Neil. Well, I gave Neil his review – albeit, I did it over the phone, not via e-mail. Rest assured though, I went over every point with him. In fact, he even took notes! (At least that’s what *he* said).
Not surprisingly, I gave him an overall grade of D: This is not going to work, in bed or out. Goodbye! But, the boy did have some good qualities:
His major strengths were:
- Especially attentive; really makes his intentions clear. Definitely expresses interest and continually shows it.
- Good looking in the traditional sense.
- Very punctual and consciously so; this is much appreciated.
His major weaknesses were:
- You need to understand how your actions are perceived by other people; your young age really shines through in this area, and given your chosen career parth, you are likely to make more enemies than friends with your current behavior
- Overly flirtatious; you flirt with anyone and anything no matter age or sex. There is no subtlety to your flirtations and this is very unattractive and badly perceived by others.
- Exaggeration: you exaggerate and sweat over the small stuff and act like arrogant as if others should know or care about it. In fact, because these things are very insignificant for people other than you or those in your immediate circle of friends, your arrogance is in vain and is often taken for false pretentiousness.
Obviously, Neil was somewhat upset but the things I was saying; he didn’t see it coming. When he started justifying his behavior, talking about how he was really a manwhore (Really? Good to know!) since his last relationship went belly up, I suggested that he take some time off from dating/sleeping around and really reconsider him path of self-destruction. Then, I hit him with a really good line, adapted from something a great friend once said to me: without pain, there can be no change (accentuating that post break-up, one really need to take the time off and feel some pain.)
Not surprisingly, no one had ever really given him feedback like mine, but that’s expected. We, as humans, just don’t like discussing others’ negative characteristics in an upfront manner. Instead, we do this behind their backs.
To conclude, next time you’re breaking up with someone, don’t use clichéd, vague, and ambiguous lines like: “It’s not you, it’s me”; or “I’m just not looking for anything serious right now”. Man up, and tell that person exactly what you’re thinking (but, be nice about it!). Chances are, they will appreciate it more than you will ever know!