The Surge of the Supreme Suburbanite
I’ve recently, on two separate occasions, had the misfortune to come face-to-face with a new type of man: The Supreme Suburbanite. Before I get into trouble with my male readers, I’d like to disclaim that this title can (and does) also apply to women. The basic definition of a Supreme Suburbanite is: “a home body with tight schedule.” It is important to distinguish that not all Suburbanites are Supreme; but all Supreme Suburbanites are, in fact, Suburbanites. There also exist Supreme Downtowners, which I confess I am.
I further illustrate this concept of The Supreme Suburbanite (SS) in the typical fashion: with a story.
I began talking to Sam on OKCupid (new mating ground!) sometime in early March. I was instantly drawn to his online persona: he seemed funny, quirky, and light-hearted. So, I initiated contact. We exchanged lengthy and detailed e-mails over about 5 weeks, mainly due to the fact that I was on vacation in an area not consistently serviced by Internet for 2.5 of those weeks.
For those of you who’ve been following my blog since inception, you’ll know that I’m not normally a big fan of prolonging the online relationship, favoring instead exchanging the basics, and then taking it offline to see if there’s chemistry there. Sam wasn’t forthcoming with the invite to meet outside Internet, so I suggested it.
Up until that point, there were only few minor flags about Sam; flags that I was choosing to ignore because of their triviality and my friends’ insistence that these were ‘normal things.’ Like the fact that Sam expressed that he was content with his Government job, and would likely stay with the Government for the entirety of his career. (Apparently it’s not uncommon amongst my peers to want some sort of job security! What a strange concept!) And the fact that he was an introvert, and as such diametrically opposed to my extreme extroversion. However, these were not deemed deal breakers, and thus I suggested we meet up later on in the week, and quoted my availability to be on Wednesday and Thursday evenings.
This is when Sam chose to reveal himself as the Supreme Suburbanite that he was. His response to me was:
Him: “We'll have to work with our schedules a bit. I don't generally go out during the week because it means I have to drive back into the city (since I live in Orleans). So if we did meet during the week it would have to be super early like 3:30pm. I work really early hours, so I'm usually up at 5:00am (which means an early bedtime!) My preference would be on a weekend, maybe early afternoon on a Saturday?”
Before we get any further, if you’re not from Ottawa, substitute Orleans for another suburb that’s within a 15-min drive of the downtown core, and away we go!
When I read this message initially, I laughed and shook my head in dismay. I re-read his response a few times, to make sure I understood it properly. I mean, who do you know that’s available for a date at 3:30pm on a weekday? Granny?!?!
After thinking about it some more, I proceeded to informally poll my friends to see if I was being unnecessarily mean-spirited. I really wanted to be wrong about Sam.
Now, one friend of mine in particular (Male friend), usually berates me for making superficial judgments about people based on statements similar to these. In an attempt to give Sam the benefit of the doubt, I consulted Male friend about the above message, since – not only is he a …well … male – he also lives in this “Orleans”.
Male friend: Are you instantly drawn to him, with all other practicalities aside?
Me: I suppose yes. I wouldn't have messaged him otherwise.
Male friend: So what are you unsure about?
Me: I am unsure about this: <insert text above here>
***Pause***
Male friend: Does that schedule generally work for you?
Male friend: LOL.
I live in Orleans.
Like it's so far. K.
Case closed.
Don't reply. The end. Or like have one random extremely time-specific date and not continue
I live in Orleans. To say downtown is too far is fucking pathetic. Pass on this idiot. […]
…and complementary personalities are okay. But like: “I can only meet on Saturday mornings? That's already a stance. That just clashes with you. That's a practical stance I mean, versus just ideological.
Me: do you have anything else to add?
Male friend: don't know that there's much else to say. Clearly his life is closed off and he's content with being restrictive.
It is my opinion that there is nothing wrong with living the suburbs. In fact, if you’re tired for the constant drunken brawls at all hours of the day that go hand-in-hand with downtown living, then suburbs are in fact a great place to be. In addition, in Ottawa, it’s the only place people (couples, families) with a cumulative income below <$150K can afford to buy property. However, what’s not right is thinking ‘a downtown’ is like the Lost City of Atlantis. Inconceivable, and most certainly, cannot be traveled to, unless on a special discovery mission.
To make this worse, if this was an isolated incident, I wouldn’t have written about it. It just so happened, that I went on a date this past Saturday with someone else, who – first of all, was 10 minutes late because he didn’t know where downtown was; and second of all, didn’t even know what Bridgehead was (for out-of-townies, it’s a local coffee house chain, with multiple locations; some even within a 10 km radius of the downtown). And no, this guy didn’t just move to Ottawa.
Folks! This is why Google (Maps) exists!
Anyways, back to Sam. In the end, even though I really wanted to go on a date with him, and tell him face-to-face that he was close-minded, irrational, and quite frankly OLD, so I just didn’t want to waste his or my time. So, I replied with an honest:
“I'm not sure there's any point to it. It seems that we have opposite schedules…I've twice been in relationships with people who had a schedule completely opposite to mine, and it just doesn't work.
He thanked me for my honestly, wished me luck, and I’ve never heard from him again.
From OK to bad to ugly: Part 1 of 3
Dear friends, we’ve now come to Date 4 of my 4-date weekend. Bachelor #4’s name was Darryl and he magically managed to piss me off even before we had ARRANGED a date. My standards must’ve really hit rock bottom by that time, since I had still agreed to go on a date with him. He – in fact – pissed me off so much that I figuratively jumped down his throat via SMS. Let me back up and explain:
After we exchanged contact info, it soon became apparent that Darryl was Mister Texty-Text. And – let me tell you – it’s not like he shared with me the meaning of life via SMS; his texts were irrelevant and meaningless. And he just kept texting me and texting me and texting me. At first, I thought it was cute, but let’s face it, THIS…
1:32 PM SMS # 1: Hi
1:35 PM SMS #2: How are you?
1:38 PM SMS # 3: What are you doing now?
1:42 PM SMS #4: I’m working.
1:50 SMS #5: It’s not very busy here at work.
… is only cute for the first 5 min. I didn’t say anything right away … I mean I hadn’t even met the guy. I let him go on for a bit, while trying to telepathically and physically (by not responding), encourage him into silence. But, Darryl was incorrigible. So, finally, when he texted me ...
3:15 PM SMS #1: What are you up to now?
3:16 PM SMS #2: Hello?
3:20 PM SMS #3: What’s up?
3:23 PMSMS #4:….
… not 2 hours later, something inside me snapped and I replied with:
“I’ll tell you what’s up. These text messages aren’t doing anything for me. AND, I don’t have unlimited texts.”
(I was super pissed off; I actually didn’t care if he texted me back at this point.)
He texts back:
“Sorry. Can I call you instead?”
Feeling half-stupid, half-guilty, I texted back saying that I would much prefer that, and apologizing for the harshness and inappropriateness of my retort. In hindsight, I should have just ignored him. So, he did call me later that night, and we arranged to meet up for a beer the following evening (Sunday).
By the time Sunday evening rolled ‘round, I was exhausted because I’d already been on 3 dates in the last 48 hours, and I had one more to go. But, who’ve I had to blame but myself?! Nevertheless, I was tired and eager to get the date with Mister Texty-Text over with. Deep down, I actually hoped that it wouldn’t go well. There’s something to be said for self-fulfilling prophecy…
We had decided to meet for a beer at the local brewpub. I was 2 minutes late for the date. He was later than late. (When will I stop being surprised by that fact?) But, when he finally walked in, he looked… OK. There was potential. We started chatting, ordered a couple of beers, and were generally having a good time. He was funny… in that dry sarcastic way that never fails to entice me. Honestly I enjoyed my date with him, and he with me. At least that’s what I had assumed when we both parted with the ever-so-awkward “we should do this again.”
That's it of Part 1 of 3. Please come back shortly for Parts 2 and 3. I guarantee you won't regret it!
The people my magnet attracts (part 3… the final chapter)
Dear readers, I’ve now shared with you a couple of stories showing how I attract the crazies and the married folk. Now, I’d like to delve into how to spot/avoid/deal with getting into such traps (if you want to call them that), in this final part of this saga. Keep in mind that these are from my personal experience and are greatly generalized (I’m not talking about YOU, Mr. Perfect-Boyfriend-Material sitting behind your computer screen getting all riled up).
“Two Can Dine” menu (a.k.a. the taken ones):
Taken men are generally looking for something to spice up their now monogamous and seemingly mundane lives. When dealing with a man who’s already in a relationship, HANDLE WITH CAUTION. Whether you know about the significant other or not, there are so many complicating factors. Men in this category are looking to supplement what their relationship is lacking with something you’re able to give them. Usually it’s the following: no pressure to say/do the “right” things, getting what they crave physically, or an emotional/mental understanding. In my case, I figure they’re looking for spice in the bedroom that they’re not getting at home, as I happen to be quite avant-garde in that department.
Signs to Look For:
- He’ll always suggest that you both hang out at your house and not his.
- All your time together has to be planned beforehand. If there’s ANY spontaneity, he’ll initiate it but won’t take you up on your offers to randomly get together.
- You don’t meet his friends or family. If you do meet friends, it’s only a select few of his very closest ones.
- There’s hardly ever any physical contact while in public (exception being if he’s in a long distance relationship where “she” can’t just walk by unexpectedly)
All of these things, while singularly are not something to get overly worried about, when happening from the same man, should give off a fishy odour.
Boundaries:
The boundaries are pretty easy to figure out in this case. Either you’re OK with it or you’re not. If you’re not, run – don’t walk – as fast as you can. If you know about his partner (don’t judge, folks) then you need to prepare yourself to deal with the following:
- No late night texting or calling
- No overtly sexual messages left anywhere that is accessible to his partner
- You’re always on his schedule
- He already has a girlfriend so he’s not going to take on your problems when you feel emotional and needy
- He will NEVER leave her for you. Never. If nothing else, this is the most important thing to remember.
Mad Cow Disease (a.k.a the crazies):
These men are usually looking for “The One” and don’t care what they have to do to get her… in fact, they don’t really care who she is.
Now, the men who are crazy never really show their poker hand until you’ve already made an initial emotional commitment that is often very hard to break. So, you’ve already decided they’re good enough to go out with again. From their perspective, they’re preserving the species so, really, it’s a good evolutionary move. If only they could keep being normal and eschew their slightly psychotic sides! I’ve come to the conclusion that these men are searching hard for their soul mates and don’t really care whom they get: they’ll shave that square peg until it fits snugly into the round hole (Hey! Mind out of the gutter!) Because of their need to find someone, they’ll do just about anything which comes off a bit manic to those of us who are casually floating through life.
Signs to Look For:
- They need to know where you are at any given time
- Unanswered texts, e-mails and phone calls are never sent without a slew of follow-ups (asking how you are, where you are, if you’re dead, what did you think of their last question, did you want to do something tonight, tomorrow, next week, the rest of your life?!)
- They’re insulted easily and get extremely upset by innocent actions or remarks
- When talking about a member of the opposite sex (even if it’s a long time friend), they become quiet, withdrawn, moody or lash out at you
They basically require 100% of your attention every day.
Boundaries:
It’s crucial that when you get an inkling that your relationship has taken on the sort of intensity you weren't looking for/aren't ready for, that you cut it off fast…unless you’re OK with it. You have to set up specific boundaries that you are comfortable with before you end up dealing with someone that feels slighted, then shows up at your door screaming about how they want to burn your house down with you in it. Make sure you outline exactly what you want in simple, easy-to-understand sentences so that there’s no confusion on their part. It's also recommended that these be outlined in both verbal and written forms. Some issues cannot be repeated enough.